Photos

My cousin Wei-shin sent me a precious photo of me, my grandma, and Jiaxiang. I couldn't resist sharing it. It is hard to believe it was taken close to twenty-five years ago.

I also want to share some photos from my two trips to Boston. In November, I went up to Boston for a week to check up on the brothers. I hadn't found an opportunity to visit Victor since he started at Harvard. He'll be finishing up in May, so I definitely wanted to go up and see his dorm and meet his friends. Anyone who has met my brother knows that he is Mr. Goody-two-shoes. (Sorry, if I'm tainting your reputation Victor!) Well, I had the privilege of meeting several of Victor's friends. I keep telling people the same thing. His friends are so good, they make Victor look bad. No, I'm not sure how that is possible. It just is. It was great fun meeting all of them, and they were kind and didn't make me feel ridiculously old.

Albert is in Boston as well. In fact, my second trip to Boston was a gift from Albert. He landed tickets to the Steelers/Patriots game and made sure I would be there to cheer with him. The whole weekend was dedicated to Joe. We definitely could feel Joe's presence the whole weekend. Of course, the Steelers lost. But, in my stubborn belief that everything happens for a reason - I have decided that the Steelers had to sacrifice what would have been an extremely satisfying win so that Anthony Smith could be humbled.

Both of my trips to Boston included lots of good food! I also got teased relentlessly by my two brothers, because when they were busy, I would hunt down yarn shops. They never realized that real people purposely enter shops that sell yarn. Hahaha. What can I say? Yarn is therapeutic.

Well, here is the link to some of my photos from my trips to Boston.

Boston '07

Wishing everyone a blessed Christmas.

I hope and pray that everyone has a peaceful and blessed Christmas this year. It has been a bittersweet Christmas for me and my family. Three family members were added to our band of guardian angels this year. We continue to feel a mix of joy and sadness, peace and unrest. It is difficult too at this joyous time of year to run into old friends and acquaintances and answer their giddy, cheerful, honest questions with the sobering truth. I tend to feel more sorry for them than myself, since I have been preparing myself for these encounters, and they are being caught unaware.

I think back to last year, and remember how perfect Christmas felt despite what we all knew loomed before us. I'm so thankful that we were able to share that special time together. It was beautiful, and I will cherish that memory always.

Thank you to everyone who has sent cards, gifts, and well wishes my way. For the first time in years, I didn't send any Christmas cards. I hope that everyone knows that despite this, you are all in my heart. Though it has been a tough year, I don't think I've lost sight of all that I have to be thankful for. I've seen churches, families, and friends draw together to express support towards me and my family. It has been beautiful, encouraging, and inspiring. I hope and pray that in the coming months I can better show my appreciation to everyone who has helped carry us through this difficult year. I really do love all of you. Even if you happened upon this blog by accident and haven't a clue who I am, I love you for caring enough to read.

The prayer of my heart is that no matter what you are going through or experiencing this year, be it overwhelming joy or heartbreaking sadness, you are able to have a peaceful and blessed Christmas. I pray that you are able to feel loved. I pray that you feel the capacity to love. I pray that you are able to feel thankfulness in your heart - even if it's for something silly like striped socks. I pray that the stories of amazing people like, Joe, Amy Wilhoite, and Baby Livi will continue to touch you and encourage you in the next year to cherish every minute and live for each moment. I pray that you will know that even having petty arguments with a family member, or cleaning up another spill, or waking up to a crying child is a blessing because it means that you are still able to have the privilege of spending time with a loved one. I pray that you are able to feel the desire to be more kind, more sensitive, and less judgemental to those around you. None of us ever truly knows another persons full story. I pray that you will know when to be selfless and when to be a little selfish. I pray that even if it seems impossible, that you know that God loves you. I pray that you are still able to be touched by the beauty of Jesus' birth. These things I also pray for myself.

And because I believe that Joe is still with us in spirit, and it's important to find reasons to smile. For a limited time only...something fun that everyone and their pet ferret has fiddled with. (It still makes me smile every time!)

Click here. Merry Christmas!

~~~~~~~

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirnius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register. So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them. "Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

~Luke 2:1-20

Jiaxiang Lan

"Me and Jiaxiang"
"My grandpa and my cousins. Jiaxiang is wearing the long-sleeved button down shirt."














Last week another family member was added to the Lord's heavenly army. My cousin Jiaxiang passed away recently at the tender age of 26. He was tall...and a lover of basketball. He was smart...and a surgery resident. He was a great brother...to a beautiful younger sister. Jiaxiang was the son of my dad's brother.

It has been a tough year for my family. First my paternal grandma in March, then Joe in September, and now Jiaxiang. Sure we know that they are having all kinds of fun in heaven. But that doesn't necessarily make it easier for the rest of us still hanging out on earth.

If you could please pray for my family and especially for my relatives in Taiwan. Pray for that peace that surpasses all understanding. Also pray for continued safe travels for my dad who is with his family in Taiwan right now.

Remembering Joe - by Jim Schoettler

Jim was Joe's first college roommate at Stanford University. Jim was also the mastermind and heart behind Marrow Trek. Along with another friend, Jesse, Jim hiked 3,000 miles and raised $35,820 for Cammy Lee Leukemia Foundation and Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. The truly amazing thing is that in the 116 days that it took to hike the Continental Divide Trail, Jim and Jesse took only 14 showers. Imagine that. I've mentioned it before, but it's worth mentioning again - I will forever be grateful to Jim and Jesse for their heart and insanity.

As I read through the remembrances from Joe's many friends, I realize that Joe was the same to all: unpretentious, genuine, generous and always likeable. That was the person I met when I walked into our dorm room on my very first day of college in 1992.

Joe and I were complete opposites. I was messy, disorganized, and unfocused. Joe was tidy, ordered and disciplined. There was a rough line running down the middle of our room -- my side strewn with clothes, books, and sometimes food; Joe's side clean of clutter. Occasionally (and often) my piles would seep onto Joe's side, and he would convince me that cleaning wasn't a bad thing, and we would start the process all over. Our differences made our friendship stronger: Joe brought some organization to my life, and I brought some impulsiveness to his.

Joe liked to tell stories about the mysterious pair of foreign boxer shorts that migrated around our room for weeks or the resident ant population that I wouldn't let him exterminate. But behind those stories were the times that forged our friendship -- the late nights spent talking about family, girls, school, sports and many other things. Joe was my confidant and personal advisor. He helped me figure a lot of things out, and I have always felt very fortunate that he entered my life.

In July of 2006, Joe called to tell me that he had been diagnosed with MDS. It shook me that something like this could happen to such a gentle soul with such a promising future. I could only tell him how sorry I was. It was the hardest phone call of my life.

This past summer, with Joe's help and support, another good college friend and I organized Marrow Trek - a hike to raise money and awareness for bone marrow donor efforts. I called Joe from the tops of mountains, roads and towns - anywhere along the trail that we had cell reception. His courage and attitude through his challenges remained the inspiration through ours. Hearing his voice was always comforting. I held onto the most hopeful bits of information he passed on regarding his health because I felt that if personal character, faith and the love of family and friends could help anyone get better, Joe would be OK.

At Joe's memorial service, I was overwhelmed by his pictures - his personality radiated from every one. Photographs of him will always bring tears to my eyes, but they also make me smile. Joe remains in my memories as he is in those images - funny, loving, full of life and always smiling. The world doesn't know how much it will miss him.
~~~
p.s. Stanford magazine wrote an article about Joe and Marrow Trek.

Thanksgiving.

Today, I'm going to start off by being brutally honest. No holding back. This holiday season, which essentially started yesterday, is and will be the most difficult holiday that I have experienced thus far. Two and a half months have passed and I have this perception, which may be real or imagined, that I am expected to get over it already and move on with my life. As if it is so easy. The numbness and shock have worn off. Distractions have decreased, and I'm faced with the cold harsh reality of my situation - just in time for the holidays. I'm finding that all of the various emotions that I had bottled up inside of me, many I didn't even know existed, are suddenly surfacing. It's not always pretty. To be honest, sometimes I find that I just need to curl up in fetal position and have a good cry...or two.

I think that my stubbornly optimistic attitude and extreme positivity confuses people. I feel as though I've given this false impression that emotionally, I have the strength of an Amazon. I suppose it is true that I have discovered within myself more strength than I ever thought possible. And most people know by now that I credit that all to God. Where else could it come from? But I've also come to realize that sometimes being strong means knowing that having a big cry is often necessary and therapeutic. I've held in too much for far too long, and it is extremely painful. A time existed when very few people saw me cry. It wasn't so much that I thought it was a sign of weakness, it had more to do with putting up barriers. Maybe I was protecting myself.

Recently, I've been trying to find balance. I know that it is okay to curl up in fetal position once in awhile and have a good cry - I also know that I can't stay curled up forever. I know that it is okay to smile, and laugh, and have fun - I often do. I also know that I can only run away from the emotions of my heart for so long. I've discovered that I need to give myself opportunity to feel the awfulness of the pain I bear even though it hurts, and even though the people who love me want desperately to keep me from feeling that pain. If I do not, I know that it will catch up with me in the future. So this is my life now.

I confess. I have a bit of guilt about writing such a depressing post. At the same time, I feel that if you are still reading my blog now, it means you care. So I bare my heart in an attempt to help those that I love better understand what is beneath the huge smile that is usually on my face.

If you ask me how I am, I will likely tell you that I'm doing fine. This is only a half-truth. It is true, because despite all that I have been through, if I sit and think, I know that I still have so much to be thankful for. It is true because every morning I am able to wake up and get out of bed. It is true because I am surrounded by people who are doing their best to love me and support me.

The other side of it is that I'm still grieving. I grieve the loss of my Joe. I grieve the loss of all the years we will not have together. I grieve the loss of the children we will never have together. I even grieve the loss of the grandchildren we will never have together.

At this point, I feel that I'm not really single. I'm not really married or in a relationship. I'm technically an adult...and yet somehow, it feels as though I'm back to being twelve. It makes it difficult to figure out where I fit these days.

I'm often bombarded with advice and pep talks. Often the words I hear are truths that I tell myself every single day. Yet, while I appreciate the intention behind the words I hear, the little feisty Karen that resides inside of me does not. She wants to scream mean things back like, "You don't understand because you still get to see your spouse every single day. You don't understand because you had a full life with your spouse. You don't understand because you have yet to experience the kind of love that I shared with Joe. You don't understand because your dreams were not shattered the way mine were. You don't understand because you didn't know Joe's heart the way I did. You don't understand because you are not ME!"

You see, there is a lot going on in my heart, mind, and soul. More than I know how to express. Some of it is rational. Some of it is irrational. All of it is very real to me. This world inside my head is pretty unpredictable. Now I sound like a crazy person. Crazy is good sometimes, right? :)

Mostly what I want to say is, please be patient with me. Sometimes I will be clingy. Sometimes I will push people away. Sometimes I will be crazy, silly, joyful Karen. Sometimes tears will randomly roll down my face. Sometimes I will say stupid things and that will have nothing to do with my grieving! Sometimes, all of this will happen in the space of 27.5 seconds. Just bear with me please, and know that if you've stuck by my side thus far that I love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know.

I'm ending this post with a list of things that I am thankful for. Yes, I've been throwing myself a lot of pity parties, but I never want to lose sight of the blessings in my life. Here we go, in honor of Thanksgiving...

I am thankful for my family and their unconditional love and patience.
I am thankful for the prayers and support of friends, acquaintances, and strangers who continue to stand by me even if they have no idea what to say.
I am thankful that I never have to worry about shelter, food, and clothing.
I am thankful that I was given the privilege of loving and being loved by Joe.
I am thankful for my church family and their unified support.
I am thankful for photos and memories.
I am thankful for music.
I am thankful for the wonders of yarn.
I am thankful for lip balm. (My favorites are Burt's Bees and Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers)
I am thankful for colored pencils and crayons and beautiful colors.
I am thankful for nature - the beauty of the trees, flowers, and animals.
I am thankful for eyelash curlers. I can't help it. I am.
I am thankful for hot showers, flushing toilets and soap.
I am thankful for all the things that make people unique - even if it sometimes makes them harder to love.
I am thankful for the stories and experiences of others and the opportunities to learn from them.
I am thankful that things that are perceived as negatives can almost always be turned into positives.
I am thankful that I no longer have braces or huge dorky glasses.
I am thankful that I've had the opportunity to travel to so many places.
I am thankful for comfy couches and warm blankets.
I am thankful for smiles and laughter.

Boston

This week, I traveled to Boston to visit my brothers. I have wonderful brothers. Despite their busy schedules, we have found time to bond and eat lots of good food. They have been wonderful hosts. When I get back home I will share photos of all of the food I've been eating!

I was also able to meet up with an old friend. We went to a crowded little restaurant called Taiwan Cafe and got seated at a round table with seven other strangers. One of the strangers started befriending everyone at the table and ended up paying for the whole table. I was told that this is not a typical Boston experience.

Several times during the beginning of my stay in Boston my friend told me that there was a girl she really wanted me to meet. As my friend says, she was "gently forcing" us to get together for coffee. I must say that I'm really glad that I was gently forced into meeting this stranger.

Yesterday, I met "my new best friend." Unfortunately, my new friend and I have eerily similar stories. We are both thirty-one year old Asian-American newlywed widows. (not to mention, we're both adorable. haha.) My guess is that we are part of a pretty exclusive club. It is not a club that I would recommend. Yet it was nice for both of us to realize that we're not alone. Our stories are different, and yet somehow parallel. It was amazing to talk to a person who can truly relate to what I'm experiencing. We were able to share our frustrations and fears. We were able to laugh about things that really aren't funny. We were able to discuss all of the "behind the scenes" events that people don't see. We were able to talk about the complexities of the mourning, grieving, healing process. What we are going through is so peculiar. Although we have wonderful people who are supporting us the best way that they know how, an unseen limit exisits. It is nobody's fault. We barely know what we need and how we need to be supported. How is another person to know? We giggled about the people who try to be so helpful by saying, "I know exactly what you are going through, because when my dog died I was devastated." Who are we to judge whether your grief is greater or lesser...but no, you do not know exactly what I'm going through. We giggled about the people who try to be so helpful by saying, "Oh well, you're still so young, you'll be able to bounce back quickly." Oh, how we wish we knew this to be true.

It was a wonderfully therapeutic time for me, and my friend claims it was wonderfully therapeutic for her as well. The situation had potential to be very awkward. I was so nervous the evening before. I told Victor, "how do we start a conversation? Do I say, 'Uhm hi. My name is Karen. My husband died, I hear that yours did too...'" Thankfully, it really wasn't awkward at all (and thankfully, I didn't have to use that line!). As soon as I stepped into the cafe, I was greeted with a hug and then it was like talking to an old friend.

The healing process continues of course. But this week, I can say that I am extremely thankful for brothers, old friends, and new friends. Thank you for being you.

Who Am I?

This was one of Joe's favorite songs. We had nights when Joe would play it over and over all over the house. Then he would encourage me to plunk it out on the piano or strum it on the guitar and we would sing it over and over. This song gave us peace, inspiration, and strength. I pray it does the same for you.

Name: Who Am I
Artist: Casting Crowns
Album: Casting Crowns

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge: Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus: I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.

Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

Hawaii

I have photos to share from my trip to Hawaii.

Click me!

There are a lot of photos. So take your time. :)
Hang loose & Aloha!

Memories of Joe Lin by Jimmy Yang

Whenever you get a chance, scroll back down to Memories by Mike Chang. I found a great photo!

And here, we have Joe and Jimmy.

Joe and Jimmy (and Albert!) may as well have been brothers. The Lins and the Yangs were closer than family. So close, that if you were to look up the definition of "Lin family vacation," you would find, "A trip to visit the Yangs."

Joe’s family and mine have always been close. It started when our parents met in Taiwan, and then continued when our families came over here to the States. The Lins eventually settled down in Pittsburgh, while my family settled down in New Jersey. Yet despite the distance, our families always made sure to visit each other quite frequently.

Due to the closeness of our families, I’ve pretty much known Joe since childhood, even before the two of us could even form real memories. It’s always funny to see pictures of us as little toddlers, with our rice bowl haircuts, and trying so hard to remember what it was like then. Instead, we have the stories that our parents provide, such as the time Joe and I got separated from our parents and ended up lost in a Six Flags amusement park. I still laugh when our parents describe how they eventually found us wandering aimlessly, holding hands while bawling our eyes out together.

As we grow up, we begin to form real memories, and I cherish the fact that Joe has always been there since the beginning of my own memories. I mean, how often can you say that you’ve had a friend for pretty much your entire life? In that way, I am so thankful that our families have always made that dedicated effort to see each other so often, whether it was my family going to Pittsburgh, or the Lins coming to New Jersey, or even jointly heading to the North Carolina outerbanks for a summer getaway. With so many chances to see each other, it’s not surprising that, as an only child, I eventually ended up looking to Joe as that older brother I never had.
Having said this, it’s also not surprising that I ended up growing up with my own version of sibling rivalry. I can’t count the number of times I heard from my parents the latest and greatest about Joe. Let me tell you, if anything, Joe had always been the golden child - the perfect Taiwanese American boy. He always got the good grades, he played both violin AND piano, he spoke Taiwanese flawlessly, he was neat and organized, and of course adults loved him for his perfect manners. Of course, it didn’t help my case later when Joe got into Stanford and eventually medical school. And then of course, just to show off, the perfect Taiwanese American boy found an amazing Taiwanese American girl to marry. You would think I’d get frustrated trying to measure up to the “Crown Prince of Taiwan” (to borrow a phrase from Joe and Karen), but it was impossible to do so. You couldn’t help but respect Joe immensely, not just for his accomplishments, but for the way he stayed humble through each of his successes.

It all seemed to come easy to Joe back then, but as great as he was growing up, I think it’s pretty clear that Joe proved to be even greater as a man. Joe may have impressed me with his personal successes, but he truly inspired me with the way he faced adversity. Throughout his battle with his health, Joe demonstrated to me what it was to remain strong even when you felt most vulnerable, to be brave when surrounded by fear, to keep laughter in your heart when you felt like crying. Joe showed me how to keep hope in your heart despite discouraging odds, to be thoughtful and generous when everyone’s focus was on him.

A perfect example of this happened this past year, as I’ve been going through my own personal issues recently. Strangely at the times when I was most discouraged, I’d get a surprise phone call from Joe, almost like he knew that I was feeling down. Of course, a few minutes of talking to Joe and hearing him stay upbeat during a battle I couldn’t even fathom going through myself would put the world back into perspective. What right did I have to complain to him about anything when Joe was fighting a battle for his life? Yet, Joe was always so generous of heart and soul that he had more than enough strength to lend it to others like me. Every phone call I had with Joe left me inspired and refilled with hope. In one of our last conversations, I will always remember him reaffirming to me what I’ve always felt about him. He told me, “You know, Jimmy, I’ve always viewed you like another brother to me. You know you can always talk to me about anything, anytime.”

And so now, even though he’s gone to a better place, I still get to talk to Joe about anything, anytime. I get to talk to Joe every time I talk to Karen. I talk to Joe when I talk to the Albert. I talk to Joe when I talk to his parents. I talk to Joe when I talk to my parents. I talk to Joe when I talk to his friends. I still get to talk to Joe, because Joe has left a piece of himself in the hearts of everyone he’s touched. If anything, all I have to do is look inside my heart, and Joe is there. Joe will always be there with me, with us.

Be in peace, my dear friend and brother. We love you.

I Will Lift My Eyes

Name: I Will Lift My Eyes
Artist: Bebo Norman
Album: Between the Dreaming & Coming True

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

Chorus:I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

(Chorus)

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now (Chorus)

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now

Kids will be kids.

Back home

.
I am back. My tropical paradise for a week was a Hawaiian cruise. It was wonderful. I hung out with my parents, I made fabulous new friends, and I even hugged a palm tree. We were a group of fifty-one celebrating my dad’s 40th reunion from Kaohsiung Medical College. Each time the purple banner came out people would stop and stare at our group as though we were a local attraction. It was pretty funny.

Hawaii was incredibly beautiful and pleasantly distracting. It was nice to get lost in a seemingly alternate reality for a week. I must admit I was a bit nervous about going. Hawaii has this romantic vibe that draws in plane-loads of honeymooners and canoodling couples. I wasn’t sure if my heart would be able to handle it. Turns out, whether they realize it or not, my parents and the rest of the fifty reunion folks that I hung out with during the week were amazing. Some of them knew the whole story about Joe and me; some of them did not know much at all. But somehow the time with all of them – even during the boring bus tour moments when everyone was nodding off – felt like one big hug. I felt supported but not smothered. Even my ultimate silliness was accepted.

I made some wonderful new friends. The trip wouldn’t have been the same without some other “kids.” Diana and I were buddies for the week. We definitely had some crazy times. Jim and Brian completed the other half of our “kids corner.” Many nights at dinner, the waiters would set up a gigantic long table for our group. The kids always occupied the same corner. We shared a lot of laughs…and a lot of desserts. Shawn and Lu-yi were the other two kids. They had a lot to celebrate - two birthdays, a wedding anniversary, and a baby on the way – so we didn’t get to see them every night. They were really entertaining when they were around.

Initially, I felt uncomfortable even mentioning Joe. I barely knew some of these people, and I didn’t want to be that lady who shares her whole life story with every person who glances in her direction. As the week progressed, I knew it was okay to share when I needed to. Joe was in my heart. We experienced Hawaii together. Being in Hawaii and being surrounded by such intense beauty, I knew that God was all around me. It made it easy to have fun and celebrate life.

The healing process continues, especially now that I’m back home. But a friend commented to me “He gives us the choice - to be held and stand tall, or to wilt and succumb.” I plan to continually choose the former.

A special thank you to my parents for taking me to Hawaii with them. They were really great. Emotionally, I’m still all over the place. But since my parents are my parents, they are usually the only ones to witness the ultimate grouchy side of my healing process. Now that I’ve officially mentioned it, they will proceed to tease me about it forever. But truly, I’m grateful to them. Because to be able to endure my ugly side is true love.

Not Fiji...

...but pretty close. My parents are "dragging" me away to a tropical paradise. The real reason that they are going is for my dad's 40th med. school reunion. At one point, they almost decided not to go. They wanted to be around for Joe. But Joe kept saying that they had to go. He wanted my parents to come back with lots of photos and stories. And then came the moment when God needed another angel up in heaven, and it had to be Joe. Things are pretty darn dandy for Joe right now. Life is a little bit more difficult for the rest of us. So my parents decided that my dad's reunion was the perfect excuse to take me away for some rest and relaxation. I wish that I was going to Fiji with Joe. I've mentioned before that I wish a lot of things. This trip will be good though. I aim to celebrate Joe's life and enjoy myself. I know that is exactly what he would want. It is kind of funny though. For a week, I'm going to go back to the days of being a nine year old only child. It'll be mommy, daddy, and me! (sorry victor!)

I will be back...with lots of photos and stories and things to share.

A letter from Vince Lee

Our parents set us up. I wasn't very happy. So, I developed a ploy to get rid of Joe. I started to bring him to church. All the time. For hours. (My plan obviously didn't work. *whew*) Along the way, Joe not only developed a relationship with God. He met Vince. My fellowship in Philly was so large at the time, I barely knew Vince. But Joe and Vince seemed to click almost instantly. Vince ended up moving off to Pittsburgh. We soon followed, and re-connected at PCC.
Vince wrote a letter to Joe for the service. It speaks for itself.


Joe,

I know I speak for the heart of everyone here

who has had the blessing of your friendship

who has ever worked with you as a professional colleague

who has joined with you in prayer

who has been at one of your Steelers parties

who has been the recipient of your handshake and warm smile

who has shared a meal and memories with you

who has tried one of your award-winning grilled portabello mushrooms

who has read of your journey online and has prayed for you in their hearts

who has loved you as a friend, a son, a husband, or a brother

that we all testify together what a privilege and honor it has been to share in your life. A privilege, because of how short and precious your time was. An honor, because of the person you were.

People who would meet you for the first time found you immediately likeable, no matter if they were outgoing and gregarious, or extremely shy and introverted, as I was when I met you for the first time in Philadelphia seven years ago. And all the same, you would extend your outstretched hand and warm smile to everyone. We don't know of anyone like you who is so genuine, positive, easy-going, thoughtful, and sincere, all at the same time. The surest way out there to make money is to bet against you not smiling for ten whole seconds. It simply can't be done. We will miss your sense of humor. You could be in any situation and make it funny. You wouldn't be the one wearing the lampshade over your head, but you'd be the one with the perfect comment for the situation that would have everyone laughing with no one's feelings hurt. Our fellowship and our church has been so blessed by your generosity and hospitality, and your expertise with the grill. You had it down to a science. The way you and Karen complimented each other as a couple was beautiful and inspiring. It was a romantic moment for all of us just even seeing you both walk together through the door. You were for each other, inspiration and passion.

Your humility and sincerity flowed out from your noble heart. During your hard fought battle these past 15 months, you were even at times apologetic for inconveniencing us with your leukemia. That kind of humility brings tears to our eyes. But even though your life was turned upside down on June 23rd of last year, the leukemia didn't take you away. Instead, your sincerity, your character, and your love for your family and friends shined even brighter.

Thank you for being so transparent with us. It didn’t come naturally, but you did it out of your love for us. Thank you Karen. Through your blog you shared your hearts with us, even through the most crushing moments. We all felt so helpless, and yet so amazed by the strength that was sustaining you both. Such giving and such faithfulness was Christ’s love in its fullest. Thank you.

God called you, Joe, to a rugged path so few of us have or will ever walk. He asked you to carry a cross He has only asked you to carry, because He knew that you would persevere on His wings. In return, you were given a knowledge of Him many of us will never know. And now, you truly are made perfect. Before, there were so many questions; many dark nights where you were looking through a mirror dimly. But now, as the Apostle Paul wrote, you are with Him, face to face. Before, you knew in part, but now you know fully, just as you are fully known. Known to Him who changes the seasons, calls each star by name, and holds all life in the palm of His hands.

I know you're in a better place now, but if there were a time machine, we would bring you to this moment right now, in order to show you just how much love you've inspired, and how great a legacy of love you've left in our hearts. And you would probably apologize for being an inconvenience. And we would be so inconvenient back to you because we'd hug you, quite firmly, and never let you go. So for now, we'll cherish your memories. We know you're watching. Someday soon, you'll be holding Karen's hand again, walking side by side, on streets paved with gold. We love you Joe. See you soon.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. - 1 Cor 12:12

Light the Night

This past Thursday, October 4 was the 9th annual Heinz Field Light the Night walk. It is a way to raise money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. It is a symbol of taking steps to find a cure. It is a way to celebrate and support the lives of those who have survived a blood cancer, those who are living with a blood cancer, and those who have passed away from a blood cancer.

Many people know by now that I met some amazing girls online while planning Joe and my wedding. Some I met in person. Many I never met in person. All were so supportive while Joe was sick, and we would find ourselves suddenly bombarded with cards and love throughout his journey. Shortly after Joe passed away, the girls decided they wanted to form a team to participate in Light the Night in memory of Joe. I was invited to walk with them, and my Monroeville parents and 1st uncle were able to join in the fun as well. It was a really amazing and overwhelming night. The walk was very peaceful. It was so touching to see all the people on our team wearing tags that said, "Joe Lin." Most of them had never even met Joe before. It was overwhelming to see how many people were affected by blood cancer, and to just feel the emotions that filled the air that night. I'm so grateful to the girls (and their families) that participated (I swiped the group photo from one of them!).

My cousin Lillian was in town this weekend. We had a wonderful weekend of cousin bonding. We also got very little sleep. The two of us could get jobs as professional sleepers, so the fact that we were willing to sacrifice sleep to spend time together is a big deal! I miss her already.

Today marks one month since Joe passed away. This month has felt like a hundred years. I know Joe wants me to celebrate his life by living my life. This makes it a little bit easier to go through each day with a smile on my face and a smile on my heart. (And you know Joe is still pulling strings up there. Joe always knew the importance of remaining humble, which explains the Steelers last week. This week Joe let our boys show off a bit.) I know I don't have to smile all of the time (and I don't), but the times when there is a smile on my face are the times I know for sure that Joe is guarding my heart. He's my guardian angel.

Memories by Mike Chang

Because I know that many were not able to attend the service, and because many have expressed an interest in reading what was shared again, and simply because I want to - I am posting the eulogies from Joe's service here on my blog. I will also be sharing memories from others who have offered to share. (If you'd like to contribute, just email me - there is a link in the profile).

Michael Chang and Joe have been best friends since 5th grade (He's number 32). He was one of the speakers at Joe's service. Amongst Joe's childhood friends, Mike would be classified as one of the "good" ones. That is, he was either better behaved than the others, or better at pretending to be better behaved. Whenever Joe would get on the phone with Mike, I knew I would have several hours to myself. That is how close they were.

I've known Joe almost my entire life, and I just wanted to share a few of my memories of Joe and why he was so special to me. We met when we were in elementary school over 20 years ago, and throughout all of these years I have never known a more compassionate, generous and loving person. We've been through so much together since we were kids, and Joe has definitely been one of the greatest friends I could've ever asked for. I've always considered Joe to be like a brother to me, as he has been as close to me as my own family.

I've been taking a lot of time this week reflecting on the years I've known Joe and the time we've spent together. A lot of my memories are of Joe and I just talking for hours and hours on the phone during high school, and chatting and goofing off during class. I'm not even sure what we talked about most of the time, but I think we shared that special bond where we could just enjoy each other's company and talk about almost anything. And later in life when we didn't see each other as often and wouldn't talk for months, we could still pick up the phone and chat as if no time had passed at all.

I also remember other random things such as partnering up for school assignments, science fair projects and the science Olympiad. I always thought we made a great team, even though we did get slaughtered a few of those times. I remember one event we did called “write it-do-it” where basically Joe would have to look at a structure built of Legos and tinker toys, write instructions for me to follow, and then I'd have to come in and rebuild the structure from scratch without having seen it, based only on his instructions. It sounded simple enough and we thought we'd do great since we knew each other so well, but let me tell you, when I finished I ended up with some sorry looking thing that I knew wasn't even close to what it should've looked like. It was just a total disaster. I walked out of the room totally embarrassed, took one look at Joe, and the two of us just started laughing and laughing. It always seemed like we had the most fun those times when we screwed up the worst.

My other memories of Joe are of all those times we spent hanging out at his house. Pretty much whenever we had nothing to do, we'd just go ahead and invite ourselves over to Joe's house or show up randomly unannounced to play some video games or ping-pong or something. And we could convert that basement of his into just about anything. We'd play baseball with this little souvenir bat of his, or we'd play some nerf football. We even tried to play hockey down there for a while, although that one didn't work too well. And whenever we'd show up, Joe would always be a good sport about it too and at least pretend to be happy to see us . . . well, most of the time.

I'll also miss the great road trips and golf vacations we'd take every few years. Really when I think about it, almost all of my happy memories growing up and over the recent years have involved Joe. He has been such a large part of my life and he has touched my life so deeply. I will miss him tremendously but he will always continue to live on in my heart and in my memories.

Now I just want to say a few brief words to Joe's family.

To Joe's wife Karen – even though I have a ton of great memories with Joe, I have to say that I've never seen him as happy as he's been with you over the last few years – and I truly mean that. You two complemented each other perfectly and with you by his side, I think he was able to find an inner peace and happiness that may have been missing before he met you. It was really quite remarkable to see, but at the same time, I think it was also very obvious to those around you two. You truly were a special blessing in his life.

I want to say to Joe's mom and dad that you should be extremely proud to have raised such a genuine and caring son. Joe was such an amazing person, and a true testament to the both of you.

And to Joe's little brother Albert, I want to say that from talking to Joe I know that he was really proud of you in a big brother kind of way. Whenever we'd talk about you, you could just hear it in his voice. He loved you very much.

And I want to finish with a simple message to Joe – who I'm sure is listening to all of us right now. Thanks for all the memories, and for being such a great friend. I'll miss you.

Thank you.

I want to thank everyone, from the bottom of my heart, for the overwhelming amount of love and support extended to me and my families this past year - and especially this past month. It has been an extremely challenging year, to put it mildly. Yet despite all of the heartache, despite the hardships, despite the fact that I miss my husband more than I thought possible, I have experienced something beautiful. I wish that Joe and I could have learned what we learned without him enduring so much suffering, and without him being called home so soon. I wish we had the opportunity to take what we learned and grow old together, travel the world, experience parenthood. I wish and I wished for so much. But ultimately, the prayer of our hearts was that the desires of our hearts would match God's will for us. God has a greater plan in all of this that I have no right to question. I do feel that I have been privileged enough to catch just a glimpse of that greater plan, and what I have seen is stunningly beautiful. The Lord used Joe in a mighty way. One of Joe's attendings at West Penn told Joe at the beginning of his journey, "you have been called to active duty." Joe stepped up to that challenge with such grace, beauty, and faith.

Joe stated in his last week, "I feel that I still have a lot of living that I could do. But I also feel that I've lived a full life. If God feels it's my time to go home, then I'm ready. And if all that I have been through has helped other people to live better...that makes me happy."

Knowing this has given me incredible peace in my heart. Sure, I still hurt. But there is also a joy in knowing that Joe "pressed on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called him heavenward in Christ Jesus." There is joy in knowing that God truly used Joe to touch so many lives. There is joy in knowing that Joe is finally in a place with no tears, no fears, no pain, and no worries. And let's be honest here, there is joy in knowing that Joe must be pulling some strings up in heaven, because HOW ABOUT THEM STEELERS??????

So many people attended the viewing. So many people attended the funeral. So many people have written comments, sent emails, cards, gifts, and called us. It has been amazing to hear how Joe's life impacted so many others. I must say that I wasn't surprised. Joe helped me to change so much. And he helped our brothers and parents to change so much. What humbled me was the number of people who were inspired by me. I risk sounding cliche, and even fake or conceited, but I believe that anyone in my shoes would have done the same - possibly even more. Joe was the best husband for me, and what I did for him pales in comparison to what he did for me. Even when he was so sick and needed help doing everyday things we all take for granted he was loving, patient, and apologetic towards me. I love him so very much. Throughout our journey, I know that many people questioned the fact that I stopped working. The thing is, while I believed Joe would survive that stupid leukemia, I also recognized that we were contending with something very ugly. Because I had the privilege of being able to stop working I had to do it. I never wanted to look back and regret not spending enough time with Joe. Turns out, even under the circumstances, the time I had with Joe this past year holds some of my most cherished memories. We had a rare opportunity granted to very few couples, to be in a situation in which all of the "stuff" that makes up a relationship was filtered down to what was most important. And so...just to up the sap factor here, I present to you our wedding vows...

In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

The neat thing is that while we shared our vows in the presence of God, our family and friends - through the wild and crazy world of blogging we were also given the opportunity to live out our vows in the presence of God, our family, and friends.

I have so much to be thankful for. I truly do. I am humbled by all of the love that has been extended towards us and I'm not quite sure how I will ever be able to justifiably express my gratitude. One thing that I aim to do is to do continue the journey that Joe started and stand up to the challenge of being called to active duty.
~~~~~
Translation by my Indiana Dad...

謝謝您 (Thank You ) Translation

一年來我和我家人得到的愛和支持是無限的﹐我衷心的感謝每一位朋友...特別是最後這一個月。這最具挑戰的一年我用語言無法表達出來。只是不管我多麼心痛﹐多麼艱困﹐多麼思念我的丈夫﹐我還是有一些美麗的經驗。我希望耕歆可以和我一樣學這麼多﹐而不必遭受那麼大的折磨﹐也不必那麼快就蒙召。我希望我們可以用學到的東西一起活到老﹐一起周遊世界﹐一起做父母。我以前希望過﹐現在還是這麼想。我們迫切的祈禱,希望心裡要求的和神的計劃可以一致。
可是到頭來神有更大的計劃,我無法違背。我覺得神已經給我有機會一窺那偉大的計劃了﹐那確實是非常美麗的。上主用耕歆完成更偉大的事工。耕歆初發病時﹐他的主治醫師跟他說﹕你被征召應戰了。耕歆用恩光﹐美麗和信心接受這個挑戰。
上週耕歆說﹕我覺得還可以繼續生活下去好做很多事。我也覺得我已經有過充實的生命了。如果神認定我該走了﹐我已無憾。如果我所經歷的會讓別人生活得更好-那我就快樂了。
這番話讓我心裡有意想不到的平安。雖然我仍傷痛﹐可是我也心覺喜樂知道耕歆衝向目標﹐在主耶穌裡進入天國﹐得神獎賞。我覺得喜樂因為神用耕歆來感動許多人。我覺得喜樂因為知道耕歆在那裡沒有眼淚﹐沒有懼怕﹐沒有痛苦﹐沒有憂慮。坦白一點說﹐我覺得喜樂因為耕歆在天國一定在拉什麼線﹐不然怎麼匹玆堡鋼人足球隊忽然贏得刮刮叫﹖
那麼多朋友來看耕歆最後一面﹐參加告別禮拜﹐寫感言﹐寫電子信﹐送卡片﹐禮物﹐打電話鼓勵。很驚喜耕歆的一生會影響那麼多人。但是我也不覺得奇怪。
耕歆大大地改變了我﹐也改變了我兩個弟弟﹐我兩邊的父母親。讓我更感謙虛的是我能啟發那麼多人的心靈。別笑我假惺惺﹐我認為任何人在我的情況下也會這麼做的﹐甚至做得更好。耕歆是我可能得到最好的丈夫﹐他為我做的遠勝過我為他做的﹐縱然他病得很厲害﹐我幫他做些平凡事﹐他也表現出對我的關心﹐忍耐和歉意。我愛他甚深。發病初期﹐有人關心我為何要辭職﹐事實上是﹐我相信耕歆可以贏過這討厭的白血病﹐我們也了解到後果可以很惡劣。既然有所選擇﹐我非辭不可。我要儘量和耕歆在一起﹐以免後悔。即使在這種情況下﹐這一年我還是擁有最珍貴的回憶。我們有別人難有的機會﹐把夫妻生活在一起的點點滴滴過濾到最重要的一點。那就是--我想為您重溫耕歆和我的結婚誓約--
在神﹐家人﹐朋友面前﹐我宣誓對您的忠誠﹐不管生病或健康﹐好時光或壞時光﹐快樂或悲傷﹐我會無條件的愛您﹐支持您達成目標。尊敬您﹐以您為榮。和您一起笑﹐和您一起哭。一輩子珍愛您。

難得的是我們對神﹐家人﹐朋友的這一宣誓﹐可以有機會經過這無遠弗屆的布落格向大家見證說我們做到了。
我真的有很多要感謝的。這麼多朋友對我們的愛讓我更感謙卑﹐我真不知道要怎麼樣做才能適當的表達我的感激。有一個目標我想做的是﹐我將追隨耕歆一年前堅強接受的征召和挑戰﹐繼續完成這個使命。

林(藍) 佳連 Karen Lin

Retreat

Hello! Just popping in to say that I still have plenty to share for those who are still willing to read. But this week I'm on a bit of a retreat with my Monroeville parents, "middle" brother, and 1st uncle. (We dropped the whole "in-law" bit last week. ) So far this retreat of ours has been quite refreshing and healing. Stay tuned...I promise to continue blabbing my heart out for awhile.

Please pray for the family of Amy Wilhoite. Amy went home to be with the Lord on Monday, September 10, 2007. We never met her in person, but oh what an encouragement she was in our journey. She was diagnosed only a week after Joe, and Joe always remarked about how much more difficult her journey seemed to be. In recent months, the two of them seemed to be traveling a more parallel path. Now Joe and Amy are hanging out in heaven...likely being given a grand tour by Baby Alivia and a host of other angels.

Announcement/Guest Book

Announcement

Guest Book

Viewing & Funeral

Joseph Lin (July 3, 1974-September 7, 2007)

Friends and relatives will be received at
JOBE FUNERAL HOME
Corner of Beatty Road and Route 48 North
Monroeville, PA 15146
Phone: (412) 856-4747
http://jobefuneralhome.com/

Friday, September 14, 2007 from
2-4pm and 7-9pm



Funeral Service will be held at
Pittsburgh Chinese Church - Perry Location
8711 Old Perry Hwy.
Pittsburgh, PA 15237
Phone: (412)366-9770
http://www.pghchinesechurch.org/en/pcc_locate.htm

Saturday, September 15, 2007 at
10:30am

Lunch will be provided immediately after the service in the church social hall.
~~~~~
Memorial contributions maybe made to the
Cammy Lee Leukemia Foundation
16 West 32 St., Suite 10D
New York, NY 10001-3808

or

Pittsburgh Chinese Church
8711 Old Perry Hwy.
Pittsburgh, PA 15237

or

any of the other charities listed in our links. Thank you.

A new journey.

Friday, September 7, 2007 at 8:10pm, dear beloved Joseph went home to be with the Lord. He probably just wanted to make sure that he had the best seats for the Steeler game on Sunday...and maybe he is having a discussion with God about changing the color of the clouds to black and gold.

I didn't know that it was possible to feel complete peace and completely broken hearted at the same time. I do still believe in miracles. The miracle was Joe. And complete healing happened the instant Joe went home.

Please continue to pray for our families.

The longest day.

Today was the longest day that we have ever experienced. This whole week has been so very hard. I'm not even sure what to say. Please pray for our families. Each day this week Joe's breathing has steadily declined. He went from nasal cannnula, to oxygen mask, to non-rebreather, to BiPap. Joe was also drowsy each day from pre-medication and pain medicine. However, Joe amazed everyone each day. As sick as he was, Joe would make the effort to sit up a bit each day. When talking to him, it was clear that he was lucid. He brought up fun memories, reminded certain people about certain important dates, and made goofy Joe jokes.

Albert and I have been staying with Joe around the clock. It was great to have some company and support. We had several mini-scares this week, but Joe kept pulling through.

This morning was different. In the wee hours of the morning, while Albert and I were helping Joe we noticed that he was a very different person from yesterday. He just couldn't seem to focus or make eye contact. With the family, we had to make the extremely difficult decision of having Joe moved to the ICU. There he can be monitored around the clock and given the attention and care he needs as he continues to be treated for his infection. The hardest part of all was that Joe had to be intubated. It was just the saddest day. Joe is heavily sedated, so we keep telling ourselves he is just resting. He has been putting up such a hard fight!

We are still holding on to hope though. It is amazing how many lives Joe has touched. He is SO loved. There wasn't a dry eye on on T-7 today. Joe has befriended all the nurses, housekeeping, and dietary staff. You know that is just a tiny fraction of the people who love Joe and are storming heaven with prayers.

I have to leave you with a story and my current source of hope. Last year, I volunteered to help with Vacation Bible School at our church. I was in charge of Bible Adventures. It is a station that the kids rotate through each day. We do interactve skits that share a bit about an event in the Bible. Well, I kept begging my dear sweet husband to help me out at least one of the days. He made some silly excuses, but ultimately agreed to help me one of the nights...because he loves me. Thursday, June 22, 2006 was the day before Joe was diagnosed. I went to the church first; Joe planned to meet me there. Unbeknownst to me, while Joe was getting ready at home, he was suddenly overcome with a feeling of darkness. This is when he decided to get his blood drawn the next day.

At church, Joe did a stellar job of entertaining the kids. Interestingly enough, he played the role of Lazarus. I played the role of Levi. In the skit, we played best friends. I was mourning the death of Lazarus and telling the kids about my buddy. Then suddenly, a knock at the door. It was Lazarus! He emerged with an armful of bandages and shared the story of Jesus raising him from the dead. Oh joy!

One day later, Joe was told he probably had leukemia. Let me tell you. I can not get that day of VBS out of my head. Right now, in my heart, I can't help but believe that maybe that was a sign. Maybe, God was preparing me. Because now, I feel my heart breaking because of what Joe is going through. I just feel so broken. And yet...I know that Jesus loves Joe, just as he loved Lazarus. So I continue to hope and pray for a similar miracle...Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" Praying. Praying. Praying.

The Death of Lazarus
1Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair. 3So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick."

4When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." 5Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days.

7Then he said to his disciples, "Let us go back to Judea."

8"But Rabbi," they said, "a short while ago the Jews tried to stone you, and yet you are going back there?"

9Jesus answered, "Are there not twelve hours of daylight? A man who walks by day will not stumble, for he sees by this world's light. 10It is when he walks by night that he stumbles, for he has no light."

11After he had said this, he went on to tell them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up."

12His disciples replied, "Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better." 13Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep.

14So then he told them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, 15and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him."
16Then Thomas (called Didymus) said to the rest of the disciples, "Let us also go, that we may die with him."

Jesus Comforts the Sisters
17On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, 19and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.

21"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask."

23Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."

24Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."

25Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

27"Yes, Lord," she told him, "I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world."

28And after she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. "The Teacher is here," she said, "and is asking for you." 29When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

32When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

33When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.

34"Where have you laid him?" he asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

35Jesus wept.

36Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

37But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"

Jesus Raises Lazarus From the Dead
38Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39"Take away the stone," he said. "But, Lord," said Martha, the sister of the dead man, "by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days."

40Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

41So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."

43When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" 44The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."

~John 11:1-43

The Cliff note version of the Cliff note version of events.

The latest news is that between the blood cultures, skin biopsies, and Joe's clinical picture, he has a type of fungus called Fusarium. It is so confusing because with skin biopsies, Fusarium and Aspergillus look the same. However with blood cultures, they look different. Fusarium is pretty rare and there is not a lot of data out there as far as treating it. Much of what is available is really depressing. Because of this, a pretty dismal picture was painted for us. We were put in high-time panic mode and there was a lot of confusion, misunderstandings, and miscommunication. The holiday weekend and the non-availability of a lot of doctors did not help matters any. We are still fighting the hardest battle ever (and we've made sure that the doctors are fighting with us too!). We are dealing with so much scary stuff. Each day is an extreme roller coaster. But honestly, I have never known a person as determined and strong-willed as Joe is right now. We also have the most amazing support system ever. Three of Joe's best friends and Joe's New Jersey parents hightailed it to Pittsburgh as soon as Joe spoke with them. Albert is in town and has been an incredible blessing. My brother is home. And duh...our parents are the best ever. Joe's friends and New Jersey parents are back home now, but it was just the greatest thing to see the smile on Joe's face...even through his oxygen mask. (Yup, he's back on oxygen.) Thank you to everyone who has been writing, calling, commenting, praying. We are overwhelmed with all of the support. Ultimately, all of our trust is in God. We believe in miracles, and our faith is unwavering.

I wanted to share a prayer that our friend Jenny Lin wrote. It is beautiful and is truly the prayer of our hearts...(thank you Jenny!)

"Dear God,
Thank you for chasing after Joe, for chasing after his heart, and for claiming Joe as your precious son. Thank you for who you created Joe to be - a gentle soul, a courageous soul, a hopeful soul, and a faithful man of God. Life dealt him a really crappy leukemia card & uprooted all of his plans, but Joe & Karen have responded by holding onto faith, holding onto your promises for a full & abundant life, holding onto YOU Lord!!!! They have always declared that you are the sole author of Joe's life, and that God Is Good, All the Time! How difficult it is to declare your goodness when life is not good!

Lord, we collectively cry out to you on Joe's behalf and ask you to HEAL him of this dreadful disease, clear his bloodstream of this fungal infection, raise up an army of white blood cells, and help his body fight back Lord!!! Pour your protection upon him Lord!!! Pour your life-giving healing into Joe's bloodstream, Lord!!! Give him a fighting chance, Lord!!! Help him declare victory over this infection, Lord. Where medicine is limited, your healing powers are infinite. We fully believe that you have the power to make miracles happen. We fully believe that you have already saved Joe's spiritual life. We declare your sovereignty over Joe and over this disease Lord. Please save Joe's physical life!!! It is by your grace alone that Joe beats this and we're begging you to protect him Lord.

God you know the deepest prayers of our hearts even when we can't articulate them. I pray for comfort for Joe, Karen, the Lins, and the Lans.
Maranatha,
-jennylin"

We received some devastating news this morning. We are still fighting with all of our might, and ignoring any stupid statistics. But we could sure use a whole lot of prayers and a miracle or two. Please join us in storming heaven with prayers.

We've shed an ocean of tears, but we are still full of hope, faith, and strength.
Thanks for all of the love and support that has been coming our way.

Prayer

It has been an extremely challenging week. More and more, this whole journey feels like an extreme video game. Every time Joe overcomes the evils of one level, he discovers that there is another level with bigger and tougher evils. We just keep waiting for that day when we learn that Joe has beat every single level and won the whole game!

Initially we were happy, because Joe finished chemo this week, and the cultures for VRE were all coming up negative. (Still a praise.)

Unfortunately, Joe developed some curious red spots. He started with just two, and we didn't think much of it. Then a few more spots appeared, and Joe's legs and arms were feeling a bit sore. We thought that maybe it was from the chemotherapy. We kept the doctors informed. The spots continued to increase, and the soreness in Joe's legs and arms turned into pain. Joe felt as though he was feeling the after effects of an EXTREME workout...multiplied by a hundred. It got to the point that Joe was unable to stand on his own.

A skin biopsy was done. The doctors suspected a fungal infection and braced themselves for the results. Yesterday morning, the infectious disease doctor told us that Joe did in fact have a fungal infection. He also mentioned that it might possibly be Mucormycosis. Fortunately, at the time we were blissfully ignorant about what this diagnosis would mean. We later learned that that diagnosis would be just about the worst news possible. So bad in fact that the person who relayed the message to Joe's primary hem-onc doctor was in tears. Joe had already been on the drug (posaconazole) that is used to treat mucormycosis. It is a very new drug which gives a lot of hope to patients now. But since Joe was already on it, there wouldn't be much left to do since an infection would mean resistance was developed to the drug. Like I mentioned already, it is a good thing we were blissfully unaware.

Less than an hour later, Joe's primary hem-onc doctor informed us that Joe did not have a mocormycosis infection, he had aspergillus. This was not good news, or even better news. But it was less bad news. This is treatable. It won't be easy...but what part of leukemia is easy? The wonderful news is that Joe is a fighter. He has been through all kinds of challenges, including the evil lung challenge, and overcome every single one. So a plan was formed. Joe's treatment will have five parts.

1. Voriconazole - Joe was taken off the posaconzole, which isn't so effective against aspergillus and switched to voriconazole which is effective. We have since learned that this drug can cause some hallucinations, which explains why Joe was conversing with people in his sleep all night.

2. Abelcet (amphotericin) - This drug has been nicknamed amphoterrible. It causes chills, which Joe experienced yesterday. Today, Joe was premedicated before the getting the Abelcet and avoided the chills. Yay!

3. Granulocyte Infusion Therapy - This is basically an infusion of white cells. It is not a very common procedure and seems to be reserved for cases like Joe's current situation in which he has a serious fungal infection and virtually no white blood cells of his own to fight off the infection. Apparently there is a data base of donors, and Joe was matched with someone and received his first bag of cells today.

4. GM-CSF (Leukine) - This is kind of like Neupogen which Joe used to get to increase his neutrophil count. Instead of an injection, this runs as an IV over 4 hours.

5. Prayer - Yup, this prescription came straight from the doctor. Fortunately, all of our readers and even our non-readers have proved to be really good at praying.

Joe will be receiving all of the above every day. (We are convinced that it is all starting to work already.) Next week, Joe will be getting bone marrow biopsy #12. This biopsy is super duper important and will determine much of what follows. So please pray for this aspergillus to be taken care of and for perfect bone marrow results!!!!!

Joe is still in a lot of pain. He is receiving pain meds around the clock after a consult with a really sweet and amazing doctor. Joe is able to move a little bit more than before which is good. The drugs really making him woozy though. When you talk to Joe you immediately realize that his head is super clear, but he sounds like he's drunk! Joe also says that he feels that he knows what it is like to have narcolepsy. He keep falling asleep at random moments. Breakfast this morning was a bit messy as Joe would fall asleep while stirring his hot chocolate or eating his toast. It all gives us something to laugh about!

We had a bit of a good cry yesterday morning, and now we are once again full of hope, faith, and strength. Joe is absolutely amazing. All the doctors and nurses keep remarking about how well he has been handling everything. Stubbornly optimistic. That's us. God is good...all the time.

chemo

Well, Joe's cultures from Tuesday ended up becoming positive after 48 hours. However, Joe remained afebrile. Because Joe was feeling quite well and had no worrying symptoms, the doctors decided to just jump right in and start chemo on Thursday. On the one hand, it's not ideal to start chemo when there is some type of infection. On the other hand, Joe was already lacking any WBC that might help to fight off the infection. The doctors decided that it would be best to start chemo before Joe's disease decides to rear it's ugly head again rather than wait for the cultures to become negative - which could take weeks.

Joe is doing well so far. His appetite is still pretty good. We just keep praying for negative cultures and for the chemo to do its job! Chemo started on Thursday evening, so Joe will be done on Tuesday evening. There was a bit of a mix-up with the "+2" part of the chemo. Not a big deal. Because of the mix-up Joe didn't get his daunorubicin on the first two days of his regimen. He'll be getting it on the last two days now, and that's okay. Apparently that's how they do things in Europe, anyway. So Joe's treatments have a bit of European flair this time. Classy, eh?
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A very Happy Birthday to Louis!!! Hope you're able to celebrate in style.

A big congratulations to April & Paul who got married last weekend. :)

hey there fever. stay away!

Joe had an eventful weekend. The fun part was the visitors. Albert was able to come back for a brief visit. A visit from Albert is always guaranteed to put a HUGE smile on Joe's face. The smile on Joe's face was even bigger and brighter this past weekend though because Joe's 1st uncle & aunt and 2nd uncle also came for a visit. It was Joe's 1st uncle & aunt's first trip to America. It was a lot of fun bonding and chatting. By the end of the weekend it was determined that when that wonderful day comes when Joe and I are able to plan a trip to Taiwan together - we'll have to set aside several months! Between my relatives and his relatives...oh boy, oh boy. It'll be fun, and we are having fun dreaming.

The drama side of the weekend is that the "negative" culture result we received on Saturday was a bit premature. Those cultures did end up being positive after all. As a precaution, and because fellows like to cover their butt and order everything under the sun, on Sunday Joe had a CT of the chest, abdomen and pelvis. Nothing remarkable was found, except some improvement in Joe's lungs compared to the previous chest CT. An ultrasound of the neck was also ordered and performed on Monday. We're still not quite sure why it was ordered, but it gave Joe another excuse to visit the radiology department. Within five minutes of being in the waiting area, Joe had about ten people go and greet him. I'm sure the other patients were wondering what kind of celebrity was sitting before them! Again, nothing remarkable was found.

On Monday, Joe was also taken off of Daptomycin and started on Linezolid. Because Joe's WBC is so low, Linezolid seemed a better choice. Each day since the discovery of the bacteria, Joe has woken up with a fever. The fever generally lasts a few hours and then Joe is afebrile until the next morning. This morning was the first time that Joe woke up without a fever. Woohooo! Also, 21 hours after yesterdays culture, it was still negative. This is a good sign, and the huge smile that Joe's dad was sportin' all day is proof of that. So now, chemo could start as soon as tomorrow. For real this time.

Just like Joe's first round of induction chemotherapy, Joe will be getting cytarabine (Ara-C) and daunorubicin. The last round was a "7+3" regimen. Joe received cytarabine continuously for seven days (7). For the first three days Joe also received daunorubicin, the fifteen minute infusion that looks like cherry kool-aid (+3). This round will be shorter, a "5+2" regimen. So five continuous days of Ara-C, and daunarubicin the first two days.

Other interesting news. Joe's fingers have been peeling for a couple weeks now. It was very similar to when Joe started getting GVHD. Interestingly enough, some final results from Joe's last bone marrow biopsy showed that Joe still now has 5% donor in his marrow. So the peeling is definitely from GVHD. Now since the donor has survived all the post-transplant chemo Joe has had so far...how neat would be if it survived this next round as well, and blossomed! Nothing's impossible right? Something to think about. What is even more interesting and strange is that Joe's marrow went on to show 25% male. So what was the other 70%? It was x0. That is, a single x chromosome. We have no idea what this means...except that it does NOT mean that Joe has Turner Syndrome. Very strange.

Joe has remained CMV negative for several weeks now. Yay! He has had 115 platelet transfusions and 32 units of blood since May 21. His appetite isn't too bad. And yes, he is thinking about new paint colors for his room, ordering new furniture, building an addition, and requesting that the room be named in his honor!

Jim and Jesse completed the Marrow Trek! Read their last Blog entry if you haven't already. They are truly amazing guys. THANK YOU Jim and Jesse for being such amazing friends!!!!!
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Thank you 1st Uncle & Auntie, 2nd Uncle, and Albert for visiting!!!!! Joe was so happy to see each one of you.

Thank you to Uncle and Auntie Tzeng and LeeAnn for your visit. It was really nice to catch up with you.

Thank you Phyllis, Auntie & Uncle R.C. Lin, & Auntie Tzeng for the cards. They always brighten Joe's day.

Yoohoo, HANNAH (banana) HAPPY HAPPY 4th birthday!!!!!!
And congratulations to Sheena (Mareena) on being an Aunt!