Thanksgiving.

Today, I'm going to start off by being brutally honest. No holding back. This holiday season, which essentially started yesterday, is and will be the most difficult holiday that I have experienced thus far. Two and a half months have passed and I have this perception, which may be real or imagined, that I am expected to get over it already and move on with my life. As if it is so easy. The numbness and shock have worn off. Distractions have decreased, and I'm faced with the cold harsh reality of my situation - just in time for the holidays. I'm finding that all of the various emotions that I had bottled up inside of me, many I didn't even know existed, are suddenly surfacing. It's not always pretty. To be honest, sometimes I find that I just need to curl up in fetal position and have a good cry...or two.

I think that my stubbornly optimistic attitude and extreme positivity confuses people. I feel as though I've given this false impression that emotionally, I have the strength of an Amazon. I suppose it is true that I have discovered within myself more strength than I ever thought possible. And most people know by now that I credit that all to God. Where else could it come from? But I've also come to realize that sometimes being strong means knowing that having a big cry is often necessary and therapeutic. I've held in too much for far too long, and it is extremely painful. A time existed when very few people saw me cry. It wasn't so much that I thought it was a sign of weakness, it had more to do with putting up barriers. Maybe I was protecting myself.

Recently, I've been trying to find balance. I know that it is okay to curl up in fetal position once in awhile and have a good cry - I also know that I can't stay curled up forever. I know that it is okay to smile, and laugh, and have fun - I often do. I also know that I can only run away from the emotions of my heart for so long. I've discovered that I need to give myself opportunity to feel the awfulness of the pain I bear even though it hurts, and even though the people who love me want desperately to keep me from feeling that pain. If I do not, I know that it will catch up with me in the future. So this is my life now.

I confess. I have a bit of guilt about writing such a depressing post. At the same time, I feel that if you are still reading my blog now, it means you care. So I bare my heart in an attempt to help those that I love better understand what is beneath the huge smile that is usually on my face.

If you ask me how I am, I will likely tell you that I'm doing fine. This is only a half-truth. It is true, because despite all that I have been through, if I sit and think, I know that I still have so much to be thankful for. It is true because every morning I am able to wake up and get out of bed. It is true because I am surrounded by people who are doing their best to love me and support me.

The other side of it is that I'm still grieving. I grieve the loss of my Joe. I grieve the loss of all the years we will not have together. I grieve the loss of the children we will never have together. I even grieve the loss of the grandchildren we will never have together.

At this point, I feel that I'm not really single. I'm not really married or in a relationship. I'm technically an adult...and yet somehow, it feels as though I'm back to being twelve. It makes it difficult to figure out where I fit these days.

I'm often bombarded with advice and pep talks. Often the words I hear are truths that I tell myself every single day. Yet, while I appreciate the intention behind the words I hear, the little feisty Karen that resides inside of me does not. She wants to scream mean things back like, "You don't understand because you still get to see your spouse every single day. You don't understand because you had a full life with your spouse. You don't understand because you have yet to experience the kind of love that I shared with Joe. You don't understand because your dreams were not shattered the way mine were. You don't understand because you didn't know Joe's heart the way I did. You don't understand because you are not ME!"

You see, there is a lot going on in my heart, mind, and soul. More than I know how to express. Some of it is rational. Some of it is irrational. All of it is very real to me. This world inside my head is pretty unpredictable. Now I sound like a crazy person. Crazy is good sometimes, right? :)

Mostly what I want to say is, please be patient with me. Sometimes I will be clingy. Sometimes I will push people away. Sometimes I will be crazy, silly, joyful Karen. Sometimes tears will randomly roll down my face. Sometimes I will say stupid things and that will have nothing to do with my grieving! Sometimes, all of this will happen in the space of 27.5 seconds. Just bear with me please, and know that if you've stuck by my side thus far that I love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know.

I'm ending this post with a list of things that I am thankful for. Yes, I've been throwing myself a lot of pity parties, but I never want to lose sight of the blessings in my life. Here we go, in honor of Thanksgiving...

I am thankful for my family and their unconditional love and patience.
I am thankful for the prayers and support of friends, acquaintances, and strangers who continue to stand by me even if they have no idea what to say.
I am thankful that I never have to worry about shelter, food, and clothing.
I am thankful that I was given the privilege of loving and being loved by Joe.
I am thankful for my church family and their unified support.
I am thankful for photos and memories.
I am thankful for music.
I am thankful for the wonders of yarn.
I am thankful for lip balm. (My favorites are Burt's Bees and Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers)
I am thankful for colored pencils and crayons and beautiful colors.
I am thankful for nature - the beauty of the trees, flowers, and animals.
I am thankful for eyelash curlers. I can't help it. I am.
I am thankful for hot showers, flushing toilets and soap.
I am thankful for all the things that make people unique - even if it sometimes makes them harder to love.
I am thankful for the stories and experiences of others and the opportunities to learn from them.
I am thankful that things that are perceived as negatives can almost always be turned into positives.
I am thankful that I no longer have braces or huge dorky glasses.
I am thankful that I've had the opportunity to travel to so many places.
I am thankful for comfy couches and warm blankets.
I am thankful for smiles and laughter.