Thanksgiving.

Today, I'm going to start off by being brutally honest. No holding back. This holiday season, which essentially started yesterday, is and will be the most difficult holiday that I have experienced thus far. Two and a half months have passed and I have this perception, which may be real or imagined, that I am expected to get over it already and move on with my life. As if it is so easy. The numbness and shock have worn off. Distractions have decreased, and I'm faced with the cold harsh reality of my situation - just in time for the holidays. I'm finding that all of the various emotions that I had bottled up inside of me, many I didn't even know existed, are suddenly surfacing. It's not always pretty. To be honest, sometimes I find that I just need to curl up in fetal position and have a good cry...or two.

I think that my stubbornly optimistic attitude and extreme positivity confuses people. I feel as though I've given this false impression that emotionally, I have the strength of an Amazon. I suppose it is true that I have discovered within myself more strength than I ever thought possible. And most people know by now that I credit that all to God. Where else could it come from? But I've also come to realize that sometimes being strong means knowing that having a big cry is often necessary and therapeutic. I've held in too much for far too long, and it is extremely painful. A time existed when very few people saw me cry. It wasn't so much that I thought it was a sign of weakness, it had more to do with putting up barriers. Maybe I was protecting myself.

Recently, I've been trying to find balance. I know that it is okay to curl up in fetal position once in awhile and have a good cry - I also know that I can't stay curled up forever. I know that it is okay to smile, and laugh, and have fun - I often do. I also know that I can only run away from the emotions of my heart for so long. I've discovered that I need to give myself opportunity to feel the awfulness of the pain I bear even though it hurts, and even though the people who love me want desperately to keep me from feeling that pain. If I do not, I know that it will catch up with me in the future. So this is my life now.

I confess. I have a bit of guilt about writing such a depressing post. At the same time, I feel that if you are still reading my blog now, it means you care. So I bare my heart in an attempt to help those that I love better understand what is beneath the huge smile that is usually on my face.

If you ask me how I am, I will likely tell you that I'm doing fine. This is only a half-truth. It is true, because despite all that I have been through, if I sit and think, I know that I still have so much to be thankful for. It is true because every morning I am able to wake up and get out of bed. It is true because I am surrounded by people who are doing their best to love me and support me.

The other side of it is that I'm still grieving. I grieve the loss of my Joe. I grieve the loss of all the years we will not have together. I grieve the loss of the children we will never have together. I even grieve the loss of the grandchildren we will never have together.

At this point, I feel that I'm not really single. I'm not really married or in a relationship. I'm technically an adult...and yet somehow, it feels as though I'm back to being twelve. It makes it difficult to figure out where I fit these days.

I'm often bombarded with advice and pep talks. Often the words I hear are truths that I tell myself every single day. Yet, while I appreciate the intention behind the words I hear, the little feisty Karen that resides inside of me does not. She wants to scream mean things back like, "You don't understand because you still get to see your spouse every single day. You don't understand because you had a full life with your spouse. You don't understand because you have yet to experience the kind of love that I shared with Joe. You don't understand because your dreams were not shattered the way mine were. You don't understand because you didn't know Joe's heart the way I did. You don't understand because you are not ME!"

You see, there is a lot going on in my heart, mind, and soul. More than I know how to express. Some of it is rational. Some of it is irrational. All of it is very real to me. This world inside my head is pretty unpredictable. Now I sound like a crazy person. Crazy is good sometimes, right? :)

Mostly what I want to say is, please be patient with me. Sometimes I will be clingy. Sometimes I will push people away. Sometimes I will be crazy, silly, joyful Karen. Sometimes tears will randomly roll down my face. Sometimes I will say stupid things and that will have nothing to do with my grieving! Sometimes, all of this will happen in the space of 27.5 seconds. Just bear with me please, and know that if you've stuck by my side thus far that I love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know.

I'm ending this post with a list of things that I am thankful for. Yes, I've been throwing myself a lot of pity parties, but I never want to lose sight of the blessings in my life. Here we go, in honor of Thanksgiving...

I am thankful for my family and their unconditional love and patience.
I am thankful for the prayers and support of friends, acquaintances, and strangers who continue to stand by me even if they have no idea what to say.
I am thankful that I never have to worry about shelter, food, and clothing.
I am thankful that I was given the privilege of loving and being loved by Joe.
I am thankful for my church family and their unified support.
I am thankful for photos and memories.
I am thankful for music.
I am thankful for the wonders of yarn.
I am thankful for lip balm. (My favorites are Burt's Bees and Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers)
I am thankful for colored pencils and crayons and beautiful colors.
I am thankful for nature - the beauty of the trees, flowers, and animals.
I am thankful for eyelash curlers. I can't help it. I am.
I am thankful for hot showers, flushing toilets and soap.
I am thankful for all the things that make people unique - even if it sometimes makes them harder to love.
I am thankful for the stories and experiences of others and the opportunities to learn from them.
I am thankful that things that are perceived as negatives can almost always be turned into positives.
I am thankful that I no longer have braces or huge dorky glasses.
I am thankful that I've had the opportunity to travel to so many places.
I am thankful for comfy couches and warm blankets.
I am thankful for smiles and laughter.

I Will Lift My Eyes

Name: I Will Lift My Eyes
Artist: Bebo Norman
Album: Between the Dreaming & Coming True

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

Chorus:I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

(Chorus)

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now (Chorus)

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now

Light the Night

This past Thursday, October 4 was the 9th annual Heinz Field Light the Night walk. It is a way to raise money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. It is a symbol of taking steps to find a cure. It is a way to celebrate and support the lives of those who have survived a blood cancer, those who are living with a blood cancer, and those who have passed away from a blood cancer.

Many people know by now that I met some amazing girls online while planning Joe and my wedding. Some I met in person. Many I never met in person. All were so supportive while Joe was sick, and we would find ourselves suddenly bombarded with cards and love throughout his journey. Shortly after Joe passed away, the girls decided they wanted to form a team to participate in Light the Night in memory of Joe. I was invited to walk with them, and my Monroeville parents and 1st uncle were able to join in the fun as well. It was a really amazing and overwhelming night. The walk was very peaceful. It was so touching to see all the people on our team wearing tags that said, "Joe Lin." Most of them had never even met Joe before. It was overwhelming to see how many people were affected by blood cancer, and to just feel the emotions that filled the air that night. I'm so grateful to the girls (and their families) that participated (I swiped the group photo from one of them!).

My cousin Lillian was in town this weekend. We had a wonderful weekend of cousin bonding. We also got very little sleep. The two of us could get jobs as professional sleepers, so the fact that we were willing to sacrifice sleep to spend time together is a big deal! I miss her already.

Today marks one month since Joe passed away. This month has felt like a hundred years. I know Joe wants me to celebrate his life by living my life. This makes it a little bit easier to go through each day with a smile on my face and a smile on my heart. (And you know Joe is still pulling strings up there. Joe always knew the importance of remaining humble, which explains the Steelers last week. This week Joe let our boys show off a bit.) I know I don't have to smile all of the time (and I don't), but the times when there is a smile on my face are the times I know for sure that Joe is guarding my heart. He's my guardian angel.

Thank you.

I want to thank everyone, from the bottom of my heart, for the overwhelming amount of love and support extended to me and my families this past year - and especially this past month. It has been an extremely challenging year, to put it mildly. Yet despite all of the heartache, despite the hardships, despite the fact that I miss my husband more than I thought possible, I have experienced something beautiful. I wish that Joe and I could have learned what we learned without him enduring so much suffering, and without him being called home so soon. I wish we had the opportunity to take what we learned and grow old together, travel the world, experience parenthood. I wish and I wished for so much. But ultimately, the prayer of our hearts was that the desires of our hearts would match God's will for us. God has a greater plan in all of this that I have no right to question. I do feel that I have been privileged enough to catch just a glimpse of that greater plan, and what I have seen is stunningly beautiful. The Lord used Joe in a mighty way. One of Joe's attendings at West Penn told Joe at the beginning of his journey, "you have been called to active duty." Joe stepped up to that challenge with such grace, beauty, and faith.

Joe stated in his last week, "I feel that I still have a lot of living that I could do. But I also feel that I've lived a full life. If God feels it's my time to go home, then I'm ready. And if all that I have been through has helped other people to live better...that makes me happy."

Knowing this has given me incredible peace in my heart. Sure, I still hurt. But there is also a joy in knowing that Joe "pressed on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called him heavenward in Christ Jesus." There is joy in knowing that God truly used Joe to touch so many lives. There is joy in knowing that Joe is finally in a place with no tears, no fears, no pain, and no worries. And let's be honest here, there is joy in knowing that Joe must be pulling some strings up in heaven, because HOW ABOUT THEM STEELERS??????

So many people attended the viewing. So many people attended the funeral. So many people have written comments, sent emails, cards, gifts, and called us. It has been amazing to hear how Joe's life impacted so many others. I must say that I wasn't surprised. Joe helped me to change so much. And he helped our brothers and parents to change so much. What humbled me was the number of people who were inspired by me. I risk sounding cliche, and even fake or conceited, but I believe that anyone in my shoes would have done the same - possibly even more. Joe was the best husband for me, and what I did for him pales in comparison to what he did for me. Even when he was so sick and needed help doing everyday things we all take for granted he was loving, patient, and apologetic towards me. I love him so very much. Throughout our journey, I know that many people questioned the fact that I stopped working. The thing is, while I believed Joe would survive that stupid leukemia, I also recognized that we were contending with something very ugly. Because I had the privilege of being able to stop working I had to do it. I never wanted to look back and regret not spending enough time with Joe. Turns out, even under the circumstances, the time I had with Joe this past year holds some of my most cherished memories. We had a rare opportunity granted to very few couples, to be in a situation in which all of the "stuff" that makes up a relationship was filtered down to what was most important. And so...just to up the sap factor here, I present to you our wedding vows...

In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

The neat thing is that while we shared our vows in the presence of God, our family and friends - through the wild and crazy world of blogging we were also given the opportunity to live out our vows in the presence of God, our family, and friends.

I have so much to be thankful for. I truly do. I am humbled by all of the love that has been extended towards us and I'm not quite sure how I will ever be able to justifiably express my gratitude. One thing that I aim to do is to do continue the journey that Joe started and stand up to the challenge of being called to active duty.
~~~~~
Translation by my Indiana Dad...

謝謝您 (Thank You ) Translation

一年來我和我家人得到的愛和支持是無限的﹐我衷心的感謝每一位朋友...特別是最後這一個月。這最具挑戰的一年我用語言無法表達出來。只是不管我多麼心痛﹐多麼艱困﹐多麼思念我的丈夫﹐我還是有一些美麗的經驗。我希望耕歆可以和我一樣學這麼多﹐而不必遭受那麼大的折磨﹐也不必那麼快就蒙召。我希望我們可以用學到的東西一起活到老﹐一起周遊世界﹐一起做父母。我以前希望過﹐現在還是這麼想。我們迫切的祈禱,希望心裡要求的和神的計劃可以一致。
可是到頭來神有更大的計劃,我無法違背。我覺得神已經給我有機會一窺那偉大的計劃了﹐那確實是非常美麗的。上主用耕歆完成更偉大的事工。耕歆初發病時﹐他的主治醫師跟他說﹕你被征召應戰了。耕歆用恩光﹐美麗和信心接受這個挑戰。
上週耕歆說﹕我覺得還可以繼續生活下去好做很多事。我也覺得我已經有過充實的生命了。如果神認定我該走了﹐我已無憾。如果我所經歷的會讓別人生活得更好-那我就快樂了。
這番話讓我心裡有意想不到的平安。雖然我仍傷痛﹐可是我也心覺喜樂知道耕歆衝向目標﹐在主耶穌裡進入天國﹐得神獎賞。我覺得喜樂因為神用耕歆來感動許多人。我覺得喜樂因為知道耕歆在那裡沒有眼淚﹐沒有懼怕﹐沒有痛苦﹐沒有憂慮。坦白一點說﹐我覺得喜樂因為耕歆在天國一定在拉什麼線﹐不然怎麼匹玆堡鋼人足球隊忽然贏得刮刮叫﹖
那麼多朋友來看耕歆最後一面﹐參加告別禮拜﹐寫感言﹐寫電子信﹐送卡片﹐禮物﹐打電話鼓勵。很驚喜耕歆的一生會影響那麼多人。但是我也不覺得奇怪。
耕歆大大地改變了我﹐也改變了我兩個弟弟﹐我兩邊的父母親。讓我更感謙虛的是我能啟發那麼多人的心靈。別笑我假惺惺﹐我認為任何人在我的情況下也會這麼做的﹐甚至做得更好。耕歆是我可能得到最好的丈夫﹐他為我做的遠勝過我為他做的﹐縱然他病得很厲害﹐我幫他做些平凡事﹐他也表現出對我的關心﹐忍耐和歉意。我愛他甚深。發病初期﹐有人關心我為何要辭職﹐事實上是﹐我相信耕歆可以贏過這討厭的白血病﹐我們也了解到後果可以很惡劣。既然有所選擇﹐我非辭不可。我要儘量和耕歆在一起﹐以免後悔。即使在這種情況下﹐這一年我還是擁有最珍貴的回憶。我們有別人難有的機會﹐把夫妻生活在一起的點點滴滴過濾到最重要的一點。那就是--我想為您重溫耕歆和我的結婚誓約--
在神﹐家人﹐朋友面前﹐我宣誓對您的忠誠﹐不管生病或健康﹐好時光或壞時光﹐快樂或悲傷﹐我會無條件的愛您﹐支持您達成目標。尊敬您﹐以您為榮。和您一起笑﹐和您一起哭。一輩子珍愛您。

難得的是我們對神﹐家人﹐朋友的這一宣誓﹐可以有機會經過這無遠弗屆的布落格向大家見證說我們做到了。
我真的有很多要感謝的。這麼多朋友對我們的愛讓我更感謙卑﹐我真不知道要怎麼樣做才能適當的表達我的感激。有一個目標我想做的是﹐我將追隨耕歆一年前堅強接受的征召和挑戰﹐繼續完成這個使命。

林(藍) 佳連 Karen Lin

Retreat

Hello! Just popping in to say that I still have plenty to share for those who are still willing to read. But this week I'm on a bit of a retreat with my Monroeville parents, "middle" brother, and 1st uncle. (We dropped the whole "in-law" bit last week. ) So far this retreat of ours has been quite refreshing and healing. Stay tuned...I promise to continue blabbing my heart out for awhile.