Shout-out!

On Saturday, I met up with a group of young widow(er)s in the area. We had dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. My Joe had been to the chain a number of times with one of his dear friends (Hi Shelley!), but it was my first visit. During dinner, I had a lovely view of Elvis looking like he had to go to the bathroom and surrounded by a heart of lobsters. Pretty funny. More importantly, I made new friends and had a lovely time. Highlights of the evening included...

~Explaining to the waiter that separate checks would be great and that nobody was with anybody...because we were a group of widows and widowers.

~Watching the waiters and waitresses dance every hour with the most bored expressions on their faces...then watching a 90 year-old lady from the next table get out of her wheelchair and show them all up with her boogeying.

~Laughing at the birthday boy from our table as he was forced to wear a coconut bra and a grass skirt while we sang to him.

~Going to Saddleridge and meeting Danger from Froggy Radio. (I confess, I know little about country music. But Joe? I know I mentioned before how he wanted to be a black man when we grew up. I don't think I mentioned that he also had secret aspirations to be a cowboy.)

~Being asked by Danger what we were out celebrating that night...and having to mention more than once that we were just a group of widows and widowers having some fun, because he thought we were joking the first time.

~Doing the Electric Slide and hearing Danger say, "And a shout-out to the Young Widows!"

~Watching one of my new friends ride the mechanical bull.



Here's another shout-out to all the widows and widowers of the world...

~Because we're all part of that club that nobody wants to join.

~Because even though there isn't anything at all funny about being a widow(er) or saying, "oh, my spouse is dead." Sometimes it is funny, because it has to be.

~Because we know that it doesn't matter if we have kids or don't have kids,
it doesn't matter if we were officially married or not,
it doesn't matter if we were married for months or decades,
it doesn't matter if we are young or old,
none of that makes the hurt less painful.

~Because we know that it usually hurts a hundred times more to be told not to think about "it," than it does to actually think about "it."

~Because we know that there is no on/off switch to grieving.

~Because maybe we cry hard...but we also laugh hard.

I love my "widdas!" A million hugs to all of you. :)

Spring

It is Spring. That time of year when the sun is shining, the trees are swaying, and the birds are chirping. That time of year when love is in the air and we walk around with stupid grins on our faces because that extra boost of Vitamin D makes us feel all twitterpated and re-energized.

I think about how things were a year ago, and I find...
It's a strange feeling for me to be able to go out and enjoy the sun and the flowers.
It's a strange feeling to be enjoying all the beauty by myself.
It's strange to feel carefree and happy. (Although the "but..." in the back of my mind never goes away.)

This week, I feel as though I've fallen in love...with myself. This will sound completely normal to Cousin Van who claims that I am narcissistic. (There is likely more truth to that notion than I care to admit.) But in all seriousness, my self-esteem was shot to pieces months ago. Some weeks I would gain a burst of confidence...and then I would feel defeated again. I'm not sure how long this latest bout of confidence will last, but I'm going to cling to it as tightly as I can. I'm perfectly fine with my brain believing that I am beautiful, valuable, and lovable. Just call me Little Miss Narcissistic.

Speaking of beautiful, valuable, and lovable. I need you to begin storming the heavens with prayers and sending all the good vibes and virtual hugs you can in the direction of California. Erica, has been undergoing full body radiation, and is scheduled to have a bone marrow transplant on April 29. You have no idea how much I want her to beat this stupid sucker known as leukemia. I hate, hate, hate leukemia. I have been so inspired and touched by Erica, her family, and friends. They have such love. They are so real. They are so cool. Pray, pray, pray for this amazing girl and her family.

I was remembering today, how I used to always ask people to share "Praise reports." I firmly believe that no matter how awful you think your week has been, you can come up with something to be thankful for. I have a lot of praises to report this week.

~After a month, I GOT MY CAR BACK!!!!!! I'm so thrilled. It feels like getting a new car. It looks beautiful. The car doctors did a wonderful job. They even cleaned the whole interior of my car, so there is this lovely, fresh, soap smell. I'm so happy. And I'm thankful for my super cool neighbor Greg, who drove me over to fetch my car.

~There is a lovely high school girl named Dorothy at my church. She had the opportunity to play side-by-side with the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra this week. Her family invited me to attend. It was a wonderful concert. An added bonus is that I got to see my Uncle Kao who plays for the symphony. I told him that Dorothy was more important than he was...and the whole reason I was there. Another added bonus was free ice cream after the concert!

~I attended a self-defense workshop for women this week. I think that all women should do this. It was really great.

~I've still been attending the "Growing through Grief" group. It has been really wonderful for me.

~I took a little hike with my neighbor Cathy and her dog.

~I started crocheting again, after an extended break. It makes me happy.

~I've been taking this web page design class. No matter how grouchy I might be when I wake up, my classmates put a smile on my face. I just walk in there and laugh. Today I was really excited, because we learned something that I've been wanting to learn since day one.

~Spring is beautiful.

Fabulousness

I took a much needed break from blogging. The act of blogging can be therapeutic. It can be quite a release to be able to express myself in words, throw it out into the world, and feel like I've left a tiny little mark out there somewhere. Blogging can also be stressful. It is scary to open myself up so much. It is like voluntarily taking a slice of myself and placing it under a microscope. I feel so transparent and vulnerable as others are given the opportunity to zero in on all of my flaws. I want to say, "But this is just one tiny sliver of who I am. There is so much more. This really isn't the full picture." I struggle with which slices to reveal, knowing that no matter what, there is always going to be confusion, misunderstandings, misinterpretations. (As I ponder this, I suddenly feel as though I'm back in a classroom learning about Gestalt and chanting, "the whole is more than the summation of its parts.") I realized that if blogging had become a source of stress rather than a source of release, it was time to take a break.

Now I am back.

I had an amazing weekend. I have a wonderful friend that I met my freshman year of college. We first bonded when we discovered that we both get overly excited around the presence of food. Shortly after that, we fabricated a story about being cousins. Even after we confessed that we were not related, people continued to believe that we were actually cousins. Even her mom calls me cousin. I was her maid of honor; she was my matron of honor.

Cousin Van flew in to visit me over the weekend. Her visit was two-fold. She came to support me, and she came so she could escape the hustle and bustle of her life for just a little bit. It was such an amazing weekend for us. We had so much fun bonding, goofing off, and pretending we didn't have a care in the world. It was like being eighteen again, but better because we're grown up now. We laughed until our stomachs and jaws hurt. We cried together. We pampered ourselves and pranced around feeling fabulous. We cooked and ate on fine china. We had tea together. We shared our deepest confessions and then sighed with relief when we only learned that we're more similar than we thought. It is wonderful to have a friend who is gorgeous, but still makes me feel like I am the most beautiful person in the world even if I have a huge pimple on my forehead. It is wonderful to have a friend that I can be super silly with one minute, and then have a deep conversation with the next minute. It is wonderful to have a friend who says, "That's completely normal, I did that last week," when you share your innermost thoughts. It is wonderful to know that this same friend will tell you when you really are being stupid, or when you've hurt her...but then the friendship will only grow stronger. That's the kind of friend I have in Cousin Van. I was able to introduce Van to several members of my church family, and I just felt so proud. Van of course immediately bonded with everyone.

Life has made it impossible for me and Van to talk or spend time together nearly as much as we would like. Often times we'll go months without contact. But each time we talk or meet, we simply pick up where we left off. And each time, Van makes me feel like the most important person in the world. Thank you, dear Cousin for making me feel so fabulous. I think you're fabulous!

7 months

The weekend of The-Great-Fluffy-White-Dress-Photoshoot, I was so happy that I felt sure that the rest of the week would be just as lovely. After all, according to the people in my pottery class, I'm "happy girl." Milestone, shmilestone. I had gotten through all the others just fine. Maybe I had gotten a little sad here, a little teary-eyed there - but honestly, anybody who is anybody gets a little sad or teary-eyed sometimes. So I started off the week minding my own business with not a care in the world. This worked until Tuesday, when my heart began to feel heavy. I chose to ignore it. And then. Oh, and then... Tuesday night, when I wasn't paying attention, the grief monster came up behind me and swallowed me whole. So there I was, sitting in the bowels of the evil, evil grief monster. It was as awful as it sounds.

But enough of that. Let's skip to the happy part. The happy part is that at the end of each day - and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY (yes, even the yucky ones, and the "why are people stupid?" ones, and the "ARRRRGGHHHH, I just need to scream and stomp" ones) - I can honestly say that I am so blessed, and so loved, and so supported. Even better, is that when I need it most, God reminds me that I'm not alone by sending me angels! Last week, my angels were Crystal and Kathy. They appeared at just the right times, and I'm so very thankful.


Yesterday, was a beautiful day. I ventured out to the park to visit my tree friends. It was so lovely, I decided to return again this morning. I found an unoccupied playground, so I decided to play. I went down the slide. I played on the swings. When I got on the swing, "All Things New" by Steven Curtis Chapman started playing on my iPod. I thought that was lovely.

In the afternoon, I attended the first of six sessions in a "Growing Through Grief" program. It's basically a support group. It was a small group of five ladies and two leaders. Except for one of the leaders, I was definitely the youngest one there. It could have been weird. Strangely, it wasn't.

~~~
Name: All Things New
Artist: Steven Curtis Chapman
Album: All Things New

You spoke and made the sunrise, to light up the very first day
You breathed across the water, and started the very first wave
It was You
You intoduced Your glory, to every living creature on earth
And they started singing, the first song to ever be heard
They sang for You

You make all things new
You make all things new

Then the world was broken, fallen and battered and scarred
You took the hopeless, the life, wasted, ruined and marred
And made it new

You make all things new
You make all things new
You redeem and You transform
You renew and You restore
You make all things new
You make all things new
And forever we will watch and worship You

You turn winter into spring
You take every living thing
And You breathe Your breath of life into it over and over again

You made the sunrise, day after day after day
But there's a morning coming, when old things will all pass away
And everyone will see

You make all things new
You make all things new
Come redeem and come transform
Come renew and come restore

You make all things new
You make all things new
And forever we will watch and worship You

Now and forever You are making all things new
You're making all things new

Hallelujah...

"All Things New" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Homesick

Name: Homesick
Artist: MercyMe
Album: Undone

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Mercy Me - Homesick (Live)

I miss him.

Grab a box of tissues, and head on over to...
The Land of Joe & Karen's Wedding Videos.
Watch one, or watch them all. They're beautiful. Am I biased? Not at all.
***
(p.s. Let me know if you're looking for a great wedding videographer or photographer.)