On a lighter note...

I think that Joe knew I really needed to feel his presence today. As I was driving to meet with some friends this evening, Aerosmith's 'I don't want to miss a thing' came on the radio. After the song was over, I switched stations, and the song came on again...from the beginning. I used to sing this song to Joe all the time. Then he would sing it to me. It was kind of a joke between us, because on a good day, Joe was one of those people who would fall asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow. He couldn't stay awake "just to hear me breathing" if he tried. :)

On the way home, I was listening to Delilah. She is this sappy squishy radio personality who plays sappy squishy songs for people with sappy squishy stories. Sometimes the stories are really moving. Sometimes they aren't. :) It was kind of a guilty pleasure for Joe and I to listen to Delilah in the car when we were headed somewhere in the evenings. We would either say, "awwwww, that's so sweet." Or we would laugh because of the over-the-top sappy squishy-ness. Sometimes we would laugh because the caller would share something really personal and then say, "I would like you to choose a song." Then Delilah would proceed to play a song that seemed weird or inappropriate.

So...I'm listening to Delilah, and I thought, "If I were to call and dedicate a song to Joe, I would ask Delilah to play, 'I can only imagine' by Mercy Me." It is a song that we often sang together. It was one of the songs used in our wedding videos. It was sung at Joe's funeral. Wouldn't you know, with no introduction or story, the very next song that played on the radio was 'I can only Imagine.'



Thank you Joe.

I Don't Want to Miss a Thing
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I''d miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if its me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God were together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause Id miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause Id miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing

I Can Only Imagine
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus]

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

"Temporary inconvenience for permanent improvement"

The sermon in church today was tough to swallow. We've been going through a series on God's road signs. Today the topic was the detour sign - the sign that symbolizes a temporary inconvenience for a permanent improvement. The question was, "Detour or Providence?"

de·tour Pronunciation: \ˈdē-ˌtu̇r also di-ˈtu̇r\

: a deviation from a direct course or the usual procedure; especially : a roundabout way temporarily replacing part of a route

prov·i·dence Pronunciation: \ˈprä-və-dən(t)s, -ˌden(t)s\

:often capitalized : divine guidance or care

capitalized : God conceived as the power sustaining and guiding human destiny

And so we learned about the detours of life and how God uses them to change us, shape us, and ultimately bring glory to His name. We heard about Joseph - the one who was on top of the world. He was so loved and so spoiled his father gave him this beautiful coat. But Joseph's brothers became jealous and sold him. Joseph finds himself in Egypt, far from his family and the familiarity of the life he knew. But God is there, and things are good. Then, BAM. Another detour. But God is still there, and things get even better.

We heard about Lisa Beamer, the widow of Tod Beamer who was aboard United Flight 93 on 9/11. Her life was good. She had her husband, two sons, and another child on the way. Then one day her life is suddenly changed forever. But God is there and helps her face this tragedy with grace.

So what did I do? I sat there and cried. I cried because I miss my Joe. I cried for Rupert, Brandon, Emily, and their families. I cried for Jai Pausch and her family. I cried for Lisa Beamer and all of the families affected by 9/11. I cried for all of my dear "widdas" and "widders." I cried because I don't like those big orange detour signs. They keep appearing and I just want them to go away. Temporary inconvenience? How about life-numbing awfulness?

Then I felt my heart crying out to God to help me understand and continue to press on with grace. "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26)

The truth is, I've been learning and discovering that there can be as much beauty and power in death as there is in birth. It has been an interesting revelation that is leading me in an unexpected direction. And so, even though I will still find myself suddenly crying and cursing those orange detour signs...I do believe in Providence. I do believe that God has put me on a path leading towards permanent improvement. In fact, I was reminded of my very own words over a year ago, "if there is anything that people from the 'Burgh can handle, it is detours and potholes." Bring it on!

"Slowly I began to understand that the plans God has for us don’t just include “good” things, but the whole array of human events … I remember my mom saying that many people look for miracles — things that in their human minds “fix” a difficult situation. Many miracles, however, are not a change to the normal course of human events; they’re found in God’s ability and desire to sustain and nurture people through even the worst situations. Somewhere along the way, I stopped demanding that God fix the problems in my life and started to be thankful for his presence as I endured them."
— Lisa Beamer (Let's Roll!: Ordinary People, Extraordinary Courage)

Psalm 16

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;

I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul
from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore, I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."
And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

How can I repay the Lord
for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of
the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

Precious in the sight of the
Lord
is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your
servant;
I am your servant,
the son of your
maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord -
in your midst, O Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord.

Esther

Dear Esther went home to be with the Lord on Saturday, July 26 at 4am. Please keep her husband Rupert and their families in your thoughts and prayers.

"Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed - in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.'" ~1 Corinthians 15:51-54

Prof whose 'last lecture' became a sensation dies

By RAMIT PLUSHNICK-MASTI, Associated Press Writer

PITTSBURGH - Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon University computer scientist whose "last lecture" about facing terminal cancer became an Internet sensation and a best-selling book, died Friday. He was 47.

Pausch died at his home in Chesapeake, Va., said Jeffrey Zaslow, a Wall Street Journal writer who co-wrote Pausch's book. Pausch and his family had moved there last fall to be closer to his wife's relatives.

Pausch was diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer in September 2006. His popular last lecture at Carnegie Mellon in September 2007 garnered international attention and was viewed by millions on the Internet.

In it, Pausch celebrated living the life he had always dreamed of instead of concentrating on impending death.

"The lecture was for my kids, but if others are finding value in it, that is wonderful," Pausch wrote on his Web site. "But rest assured; I'm hardly unique."

The book "The Last Lecture" leaped to the top of the nonfiction best-seller lists after its publication in April and remains there this week. The book deal was reported to be worth more than $6 million.

Pausch said he dictated the book to Zaslow by cell phone, and Zaslow recalled Friday that he was "strong and funny" during their collaboration.

"It was the most fun 53 days of my life because it was like a performance," Zaslow told The Associated Press. "It was like getting 53 extra lectures." He recalled that Pausch became emotional when they worked on the last chapter, though, because that to him was the "end of the lecture, the book, his life."

At Carnegie Mellon, Pausch was a professor of computer science, human-computer interaction and design, and was recognized as a pioneer of virtual reality research. On campus, he became known for his flamboyance and showmanship as a teacher and mentor.

The speech last fall was part of a series Carnegie Mellon called "The Last Lecture," where professors were asked to think about what matters to them most and give a hypothetical final talk. The name of the lecture series was changed to "Journeys" before Pausch spoke, something he joked about in his lecture.

"I thought, damn, I finally nailed the venue and they renamed it," he said.

He told the packed auditorium he fulfilled almost all his childhood dreams — being in zero gravity, writing an article in the World Book Encyclopedia and working with the Walt Disney Co.

The one that eluded him? Playing in the National Football League.

"If I don't seem as depressed or morose as I should be, sorry to disappoint you," Pausch said.

He then joked about his quirky hobby of winning stuffed animals at amusement parks — another of his childhood dreams — and how his mother introduced him to people to keep him humble: "This is my son. He's a doctor, but not the kind that helps people."

Pausch said he was embarrassed and flattered by the popularity of his message. Millions viewed the complete or abridged version of the lecture, titled "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams," online.

"I don't know how to not have fun," he said in the lecture. "I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there's no other way to play it."

Pausch lobbied Congress for more federal funding for pancreatic cancer research and appeared on "Oprah" and other TV shows. In what he called "a truly magical experience," he was even invited to appear as an extra in the upcoming "Star Trek" movie.

He had one line of dialogue, got to keep his costume and donated his $217.06 paycheck to charity.

Pausch blogged regularly about his medical treatment. On Feb. 15, exactly six months after he was told he had three to six months of healthy living left, Pausch posted a photo of himself to show he was "still alive & healthy."

In May, Pausch spoke at Carnegie Mellon's commencement ceremonies, telling graduates that what mattered was he could look back and say, "pretty much any time I got a chance to do something cool, I tried to grab for it, and that's where my solace comes from."

"We don't beat the reaper by living longer, we beat the reaper by living well and living fully," he said.

Born in 1960, Pausch received his bachelor's degree in computer science from Brown University and his Ph.D. from Carnegie Mellon.

He co-founded Carnegie Mellon's Entertainment Technology Center, a master's program for bringing artists and engineers together. The university named a footbridge in his honor. He also created an animation-based teaching program for high school and college students to have fun while learning computer programming.

In February, the Academy of Interactive Arts & Sciences in California announced the creation of the Dr. Randy Pausch Scholarship Fund for university students who pursue careers in game design, development and production.

He is survived by his wife, Jai, and their three children, Dylan, Logan and Chloe; his mother, Virginia Pausch of Columbia, Md.; and a sister, Tamara Mason of Lynchburg, Va.

In a statement Friday, his wife thanked those who sent messages of support and said her husband was proud that his lecture and book "inspired parents to revisit their priorities, particularly their relationships with their children."

___

Associated Press writer Ramesh Santanam contributed to this report.

___

On the Net:

Pausch's lecture: http://www.cmu.edu/randyslecture/

Cancer Sucks

You know how cancer sucks?
It totally does.

But there is something to be said about people who are able to blossom in the face of adversity. Or rather, how God enables people to blossom in the face of adversity. When I read about the journey of others dealing with cancer, my heart truly aches for them. Then...I'm struck by their beauty. Inspired by their walk. To me, it has brought new meaning to the bible verse, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." (Matthew 26:41)

When an individual or a loved one is faced with something so harsh and so difficult like cancer, it becomes so easy to fall into the temptation of shutting out the world, giving up, and drowning yourself in self-pity. Your body is literally weak - either from the tolls of illness or the tolls of care-giving. The incredible thing is that God is right there providing the strength needed to handle the harsh new reality with beauty and grace. It's beautiful how faith can be bolstered in times of adversity - a time when it would be all too easy to dismiss God and decide that He doesn't care anymore. Even in times when I've witnessed people taking a break from God because life just seems too hard (I've taken those breaks too...), I still see God working. I still see a will to fight that is too powerful to be human. At least that's my view. We are weak, but He is strong.

Once again, I'm going to share with you some pretty inspiring people so that you can join me in storming the heavens with prayer. (And sending off good vibes, virtual hugs, and warm thoughts.)

Esther & Rupert - I met Rupert close to a dozen years ago. We were in the same fellowship at church. We lost touch after he graduated and didn't re-connect again until this week. It's difficult to re-connect with a person under such sad circumstances. At the same time, I feel so privileged to be able to witness a little part of the love shared between Esther, Rupert, & the Lord. They are a truly beautiful and awe-inspiring couple.

Erica - Erica has been recovering from her bone marrow transplant she had at the end of April. I love reading Erica's blog because she has such a gift of expression. She writes with this raw honesty that is so poetic, and even in her darkest days you can feel her undeniable spunk.

Ann & Chris - After doing so well for so long, Ann has relapsed and is on the road to a second transplant. Ann and Chris were just starting to makes all kinds of wonderful changes and plans - and then their lives were turned upside down again.

And now for some local heroes...

These guys have been all over the news and youtube because they have such a passion to live despite being told that they may not have much time.

Randy Pausch

Adam Frey

John Challis -

Seattle with my brother

My "baby" brother is nine and a half years younger than me. (Okay, more like nine and a quarter.) He just suddenly appeared one day, long after I had gotten used to all the perks of being an only child. I immediately learned that there are wonderful perks to having a little brother too. The day my brother was born, my dad picked me up from school. I didn't have to ride the bus! Not only that, but I was allowed to skip my violin lesson to go meet the newest member of the family. Those are the kinds of things that make brothers cool to nine year olds.

Since there was such a gap between the two of us, I became kind of a second mother to my little brother. I was always so proud of Victor. When he was a baby, I wore a necklace with his photo in it. When he got a little older, I'd show up at school wearing his yarn/paperclip/rubber band jewelry creations. In college I'd show off his drawings, letters, and photos. We were as close as siblings nine and a quarter years apart could be.

The thing is, conversations between a 20 year old and a 10 year old are pretty limited. Victor could tell me all the things that concern a fourth grader, and ask me for help on his homework. I could not really share about all that I was experiencing and ask him for advice on life and boys. So when we spent time together, we would talk about teachers we had in common, books we had both read, or make music together.

Fast forward a decade or so. My baby brother is now an adult. *gasp* I don't know how or when it happened, but at some point he grew up. Before I knew it, we started having normal sibling conversations. It has been such a blessing to me. I entered such a scary phase in life, and sometimes I really needed to talk to someone who knew about the yucky background stuff that doesn't get talked about. Poor Victor became that someone.

No worries. I'm still Big Boss Sister Karen. He's still Little Bratty Boogerboy Victor. I still tell him what to do. He still does everything he can to annoy me. But somehow, our siblingness has reached a new level, and that's cool.

So, after Victor graduated from college, the two of us flew off to Seattle to celebrate. Well, we claimed it was to celebrate. Really, it was to annoy our beloved Cousin Lilly (Lillian). We never took a trip together without our parents. It was so much fun, even if we wanted to strangle each other by the end of the week.

We did all kinds of wonderful touristy things you're supposed to do in Seattle. We were nervous in the beginning. When we left the 'burgh, temperatures were in the 90s. It was so hot and humid. Then we arrived in Seattle. As soon as I got off the plane, I sneezed five times in a row and kept saying, "oh I hate Seattle." When we got outside, it was rainy, windy, and temperatures were closer to the 40s. I got a lovely email from Joe's best friend Mike welcoming me to Seattle and informing me that it was the coldest first week of June since the late 1800s. Boy did Victor and I feel special to be experiencing such a monumental event...

The week ended up getting warmer, and we ended up falling in love with Seattle. Lilly was the perfect host. In between all of our tourist activities, Victor and I had the privilege of meeting up with several Pittsburgh "kids" who moved to Seattle. We also met some of our relatives for the first time, including our 8th great-aunt. They were really special times.


You can see some of our photos here.

I think I've reached my gush-about-brother quota for this decade. :)

Happy Birthday, Joe!

 

Today would have been Joe's 34th birthday. I wonder what birthdays are like up in heaven? The singing must be better. The cake must be better too. I bet they still have trick candles though. :)

~~~
Just to give you a glimpse at how wonderful my church is, I am sharing a little birthday video the PCC English congregation created for Joe last year. (Oh, and since I'm sharing this, I guess I should say, "What was I thinking? There is no way that the singing could be better up in heaven...") :)