Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Longwood Gardens/No more Hell

Today's photos are from a trip Joe and I took to Longwood Gardens. It felt like my first visit there, but apparently my family visited several times when I was a wee little girl.

I loved it when Joe winked at me. I just thought it was the cutest thing. And he never just winked. He would do it in slow motion which always made me smile. Joe had the best facial expressions. People would tell him he was like a cartoon. Funny, because people said that about me too. To think "Joe & Karen" could have been a cartoon on Nickelodeon!







































So, a year ago today Joe was admitted to the hospital. He only had one week at home after that admission. On our 2007 calendar where Joe marked important dates and appointments, there is a long arrow that starts at May 21 and goes through all of June. In the middle of that arrow, he wrote, "HELL." That pretty much sums it up.

I'm glad that Joe isn't in hell anymore. I'm glad that he is free from bone marrow biopsies, oxygen tanks, and IVs. I'm glad that he isn't suffering. But oh, I still miss him.

I miss him every single day. When we were living in different cities, Joe sent me a card that said, "My hug has a hole in it." That's how I feel. When I'm happy and excited, I miss sharing that with him. When I'm sad and confused, I miss being able to cry on his shoulder. When I'm angry and frustrated, I miss being able to vent to him. I miss holding his hand. I miss waking up next to him. I miss making him laugh.

I could roll out of bed with matted hair, my glasses, wrinkled clothes, drool on my cheek and a new pimple - and Joe would tell me how adorable I was. And I would believe him...well, until I looked into the mirror. :)

Once, I did a poor job backing out of the garage and put a little dent in Joe's car. Joe LOVED his car. He named his car "Sexy Lexi." He would often pause, look at his car, and say, "Isn't she sexy?" Joe was finishing up being on call at the hospital when the incident happened. Needless to say, I was terrified to face him. I was shaking when I called to confess. Joe never really lost his temper with me...but then, I had never dented his car before. Amazingly enough, he wasn't mad at all. Joe said, "well, did you do it on purpose?" (Of course I hadn't.) "Then I'm not mad." That was that. That was love.

I'm actually doing quite well. A lot of exciting things are happening, which I'll share eventually. But with each exciting thing is that bittersweetness that comes with knowing that Joe isn't physically here to share it with me.

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Saturday, May 17, 2008

Valley Forge

Joe had this old laptop computer that stopped working years ago. That old laptop held many photos from our early years. We had printed out a few of them, but most of them were forgotten. Recently, those photos were recovered. What a gift to be able to see those pictures again. It brought back a lot of fun memories.

Today I'm sharing some photos from a trip to Valley Forge. Joe was really great about planning things to do in and around Philadelphia. It was a wonderful way for us to get to know each other.


This was one of those photos that seemed like a good idea at the time. :)




Awwww. We were so young.



Isn't he so cute?



Gotta love the trademark smile.

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Cowboy Joe

I mentioned before how Joe wanted to be a black man when he grew up - and how he came close by becoming the voice and mind of P. Diddy. :) Then I briefly mentioned that Joe had secret aspirations to be a cowboy. I did not mention just how far these aspirations carried him. Did you know that Joe was also the voice, inspiration, and talent behind Garth Brooks? Seriously. Joe told me himself. :P

One of the things Joe wanted to do after he finished his residency was to get a Toyota Tacoma. He believed that every person should own a pickup truck at some point in their life. I loved that he was just Joe. He never tried to conform to a certain image.

Joe liked to say that he was easy to get along with because he adapted so well to different situations. It's true. One day, you might see him rubbing elbows with hoity-toity people at a five-star restaurant and wearing an Armani suit. Then the next day you would see him riding in the back of a beat-up car laughing with friends who have never heard of Armani.

Now I'll tell you a secret. Joe claimed that he could even change the way he spoke around different people. I would always laugh at him though, because his "black" speak and his "cowboy" speak sounded exactly the same.

How could you not love Joe?
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Monday, May 05, 2008

Free!







I know that everyone loves things that are free. It's that time of year again for the "Thanks Mom awareness and recruitment campaign." If you have not yet registered to be a bone marrow donor, because you've been waiting for the perfect opportunity - now is your chance. The cost of 46,000 kits will be covered (10,000 online & 36,000 in person).

Life. It's in you.

During our Thanks Mom awareness and recruitment campaign, May 5 to May 19, 2008, join the marrow donor Registry and give hope to patients. What better way to say “Thanks, Mom” for giving you life than to share that gift with another person.

When you become a marrow donor, you join the global movement of more than 11 million donors who stand ready to give someone a future.

You could be the one a patient needs.

So, go ahead. Click on the links above and learn more. Spread the word. Join Now. Keep praying for Erica. Do all of this in memory of Joe, Alivia, Amy, & Dale.

In case you need more inspiration, here are some videos with success story Christine Pechera.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Shout-out!

On Saturday, I met up with a group of young widow(er)s in the area. We had dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. My Joe had been to the chain a number of times with one of his dear friends (Hi Shelley!), but it was my first visit. During dinner, I had a lovely view of Elvis looking like he had to go to the bathroom and surrounded by a heart of lobsters. Pretty funny. More importantly, I made new friends and had a lovely time. Highlights of the evening included...

~Explaining to the waiter that separate checks would be great and that nobody was with anybody...because we were a group of widows and widowers.

~Watching the waiters and waitresses dance every hour with the most bored expressions on their faces...then watching a 90 year-old lady from the next table get out of her wheelchair and show them all up with her boogeying.

~Laughing at the birthday boy from our table as he was forced to wear a coconut bra and a grass skirt while we sang to him.

~Going to Saddleridge and meeting Danger from Froggy Radio. (I confess, I know little about country music. But Joe? I know I mentioned before how he wanted to be a black man when we grew up. I don't think I mentioned that he also had secret aspirations to be a cowboy.)

~Being asked by Danger what we were out celebrating that night...and having to mention more than once that we were just a group of widows and widowers having some fun, because he thought we were joking the first time.

~Doing the Electric Slide and hearing Danger say, "And a shout-out to the Young Widows!"

~Watching one of my new friends ride the mechanical bull.



Here's another shout-out to all the widows and widowers of the world...

~Because we're all part of that club that nobody wants to join.

~Because even though there isn't anything at all funny about being a widow(er) or saying, "oh, my spouse is dead." Sometimes it is funny, because it has to be.

~Because we know that it doesn't matter if we have kids or don't have kids,
it doesn't matter if we were officially married or not,
it doesn't matter if we were married for months or decades,
it doesn't matter if we are young or old,
none of that makes the hurt less painful.

~Because we know that it usually hurts a hundred times more to be told not to think about "it," than it does to actually think about "it."

~Because we know that there is no on/off switch to grieving.

~Because maybe we cry hard...but we also laugh hard.

I love my "widdas!" A million hugs to all of you. :)
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Friday, April 25, 2008

Spring



It is Spring. That time of year when the sun is shining, the trees are swaying, and the birds are chirping. That time of year when love is in the air and we walk around with stupid grins on our faces because that extra boost of Vitamin D makes us feel all twitterpated and re-energized.

I think about how things were a year ago, and I find...
It's a strange feeling for me to be able to go out and enjoy the sun and the flowers.
It's a strange feeling to be enjoying all the beauty by myself.
It's strange to feel carefree and happy. (Although the "but..." in the back of my mind never goes away.)

This week, I feel as though I've fallen in love...with myself. This will sound completely normal to Cousin Van who claims that I am narcissistic. (There is likely more truth to that notion than I care to admit.) But in all seriousness, my self-esteem was shot to pieces months ago. Some weeks I would gain a burst of confidence...and then I would feel defeated again. I'm not sure how long this latest bout of confidence will last, but I'm going to cling to it as tightly as I can. I'm perfectly fine with my brain believing that I am beautiful, valuable, and lovable. Just call me Little Miss Narcissistic.

Speaking of beautiful, valuable, and lovable. I need you to begin storming the heavens with prayers and sending all the good vibes and virtual hugs you can in the direction of California. Erica, has been undergoing full body radiation, and is scheduled to have a bone marrow transplant on April 29. You have no idea how much I want her to beat this stupid sucker known as leukemia. I hate, hate, hate leukemia. I have been so inspired and touched by Erica, her family, and friends. They have such love. They are so real. They are so cool. Pray, pray, pray for this amazing girl and her family.

I was remembering today, how I used to always ask people to share "Praise reports." I firmly believe that no matter how awful you think your week has been, you can come up with something to be thankful for. I have a lot of praises to report this week.

~After a month, I GOT MY CAR BACK!!!!!! I'm so thrilled. It feels like getting a new car. It looks beautiful. The car doctors did a wonderful job. They even cleaned the whole interior of my car, so there is this lovely, fresh, soap smell. I'm so happy. And I'm thankful for my super cool neighbor Greg, who drove me over to fetch my car.

~There is a lovely high school girl named Dorothy at my church. She had the opportunity to play side-by-side with the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra this week. Her family invited me to attend. It was a wonderful concert. An added bonus is that I got to see my Uncle Kao who plays for the symphony. I told him that Dorothy was more important than he was...and the whole reason I was there. Another added bonus was free ice cream after the concert!

~I attended a self-defense workshop for women this week. I think that all women should do this. It was really great.

~I've still been attending the "Growing through Grief" group. It has been really wonderful for me.

~I took a little hike with my neighbor Cathy and her dog.

~I started crocheting again, after an extended break. It makes me happy.

~I've been taking this web page design class. No matter how grouchy I might be when I wake up, my classmates put a smile on my face. I just walk in there and laugh. Today I was really excited, because we learned something that I've been wanting to learn since day one.

~Spring is beautiful.
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Monday, April 21, 2008

Fabulousness


I took a much needed break from blogging. The act of blogging can be therapeutic. It can be quite a release to be able to express myself in words, throw it out into the world, and feel like I've left a tiny little mark out there somewhere. Blogging can also be stressful. It is scary to open myself up so much. It is like voluntarily taking a slice of myself and placing it under a microscope. I feel so transparent and vulnerable as others are given the opportunity to zero in on all of my flaws. I want to say, "But this is just one tiny sliver of who I am. There is so much more. This really isn't the full picture." I struggle with which slices to reveal, knowing that no matter what, there is always going to be confusion, misunderstandings, misinterpretations. (As I ponder this, I suddenly feel as though I'm back in a classroom learning about Gestalt and chanting, "the whole is more than the summation of its parts.") I realized that if blogging had become a source of stress rather than a source of release, it was time to take a break.

Now I am back.

I had an amazing weekend. I have a wonderful friend that I met my freshman year of college. We first bonded when we discovered that we both get overly excited around the presence of food. Shortly after that, we fabricated a story about being cousins. Even after we confessed that we were not related, people continued to believe that we were actually cousins. Even her mom calls me cousin. I was her maid of honor; she was my matron of honor.

Cousin Van flew in to visit me over the weekend. Her visit was two-fold. She came to support me, and she came so she could escape the hustle and bustle of her life for just a little bit. It was such an amazing weekend for us. We had so much fun bonding, goofing off, and pretending we didn't have a care in the world. It was like being eighteen again, but better because we're grown up now. We laughed until our stomachs and jaws hurt. We cried together. We pampered ourselves and pranced around feeling fabulous. We cooked and ate on fine china. We had tea together. We shared our deepest confessions and then sighed with relief when we only learned that we're more similar than we thought. It is wonderful to have a friend who is gorgeous, but still makes me feel like I am the most beautiful person in the world even if I have a huge pimple on my forehead. It is wonderful to have a friend that I can be super silly with one minute, and then have a deep conversation with the next minute. It is wonderful to have a friend who says, "That's completely normal, I did that last week," when you share your innermost thoughts. It is wonderful to know that this same friend will tell you when you really are being stupid, or when you've hurt her...but then the friendship will only grow stronger. That's the kind of friend I have in Cousin Van. I was able to introduce Van to several members of my church family, and I just felt so proud. Van of course immediately bonded with everyone.

Life has made it impossible for me and Van to talk or spend time together nearly as much as we would like. Often times we'll go months without contact. But each time we talk or meet, we simply pick up where we left off. And each time, Van makes me feel like the most important person in the world. Thank you, dear Cousin for making me feel so fabulous. I think you're fabulous!
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Monday, April 07, 2008

7 months


The weekend of The-Great-Fluffy-White-Dress-Photoshoot, I was so happy that I felt sure that the rest of the week would be just as lovely. After all, according to the people in my pottery class, I'm "happy girl." Milestone, shmilestone. I had gotten through all the others just fine. Maybe I had gotten a little sad here, a little teary-eyed there - but honestly, anybody who is anybody gets a little sad or teary-eyed sometimes. So I started off the week minding my own business with not a care in the world. This worked until Tuesday, when my heart began to feel heavy. I chose to ignore it. And then. Oh, and then... Tuesday night, when I wasn't paying attention, the grief monster came up behind me and swallowed me whole. So there I was, sitting in the bowels of the evil, evil grief monster. It was as awful as it sounds.

But enough of that. Let's skip to the happy part. The happy part is that at the end of each day - and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY (yes, even the yucky ones, and the "why are people stupid?" ones, and the "ARRRRGGHHHH, I just need to scream and stomp" ones) - I can honestly say that I am so blessed, and so loved, and so supported. Even better, is that when I need it most, God reminds me that I'm not alone by sending me angels! Last week, my angels were Crystal and Kathy. They appeared at just the right times, and I'm so very thankful.


Yesterday, was a beautiful day. I ventured out to the park to visit my tree friends. It was so lovely, I decided to return again this morning. I found an unoccupied playground, so I decided to play. I went down the slide. I played on the swings. When I got on the swing, "All Things New" by Steven Curtis Chapman started playing on my iPod. I thought that was lovely.

In the afternoon, I attended the first of six sessions in a "Growing Through Grief" program. It's basically a support group. It was a small group of five ladies and two leaders. Except for one of the leaders, I was definitely the youngest one there. It could have been weird. Strangely, it wasn't.

~~~
Name: All Things New
Artist: Steven Curtis Chapman
Album: All Things New

You spoke and made the sunrise, to light up the very first day
You breathed across the water, and started the very first wave
It was You
You intoduced Your glory, to every living creature on earth
And they started singing, the first song to ever be heard
They sang for You

You make all things new
You make all things new

Then the world was broken, fallen and battered and scarred
You took the hopeless, the life, wasted, ruined and marred
And made it new

You make all things new
You make all things new
You redeem and You transform
You renew and You restore
You make all things new
You make all things new
And forever we will watch and worship You

You turn winter into spring
You take every living thing
And You breathe Your breath of life into it over and over again

You made the sunrise, day after day after day
But there's a morning coming, when old things will all pass away
And everyone will see

You make all things new
You make all things new
Come redeem and come transform
Come renew and come restore

You make all things new
You make all things new
And forever we will watch and worship You

Now and forever You are making all things new
You're making all things new

Hallelujah...

"All Things New" by Steven Curtis Chapman
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Saturday, April 05, 2008

Homesick

Name: Homesick
Artist: MercyMe
Album: Undone

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Mercy Me - Homesick (Live)
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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I miss him.


Grab a box of tissues, and head on over to...
The Land of Joe & Karen's Wedding Videos.
Watch one, or watch them all. They're beautiful. Am I biased? Not at all.
***
(p.s. Let me know if you're looking for a great wedding videographer or photographer.)
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Monday, March 31, 2008

Crazy Widow


Last weekend was Easter. This Wednesday would have been Joe and my third anniversary. This has put me in a bit of a funk lately. I've been sad, grouchy, and irritable.

Last week, as I was daydreaming/moping, I decided that I needed to do something crazy to cheer myself up. Since I was thinking about the wedding, it got me thinking about my dress. It was sitting in a box, in my room, in Indiana. It had gone through the whole cleaning/preservation process which meant that it may as well have been encased in armor. Despite this, I couldn't stop thinking about how fun it would be to run around in my dress one more time. Of course, I would need photographic evidence. And I would also be at risk of having people shake their heads, roll their eyes, say, "oh, poor, poor, crazy widow", and conduct emergency prayer meetings in my honor. I wasn't sure if I was brave enough.

I am part of a widow message board. I like to visit it to gauge my sanity. So I shared my idea with the group. They backed me 100%, urging me to do it. The next step was a bit scarier. I contacted some of my "normal" friends to see if they would be willing to humor a crazy widow with a crazy idea. They were extremely supportive and understanding. They even agreed to dress special for the occasion. I decided that they probably just felt sorry for me...which meant that I was probably taking advantage of them...which meant that I'm probably just a little bit evil. Or, I just have really awesome friends.

Victor was home for a few days, so we went back to Indiana. My mom was pretty surprised that I wanted to take my dress with me when it was time to go. In the past, I always said that it was perfectly fine where it was. I didn't tell her that her daughter was insane, but I think she already suspected it.

Yesterday, was the day that the event was to occur. In the morning, I almost chickened out and decided I wasn't going to do it. But the day was so beautiful. And really, haven't I learned that life is short? Gotta celebrate it.

So my awesome friends and I went off to the park and spent the afternoon taking crazy pictures. I had been nervous that I would get overwhelmed and just start crying. That would have been fine, but it didn't happen. Instead I was positively drunk with happiness. My friends made the afternoon so much fun. Cars would honk at us, and we would just laugh. They must have thought we were the oddest looking wedding party ever! I just know that Joe was there with us, laughing, and getting a kick out of his crazy gal and friends. That alone is enough to make me smile.

Thank you Crystal, Eric, Patrick, Ray, and Vivian so very much for humoring me and blessing me with an awesome memory. Thank you Sha and Louis too, because I know you were there with us in spirit. I love all of you so much, and I know that Joe did too.
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Saturday, March 29, 2008

Project Erica

I've mentioned Erica before. She's another friend from the blog world. Erica is an amazing person. She is gorgeous on the outside and gorgeous on the inside...well, except for her bone marrow which seems to be rather ugly. Erica needs a bone marrow donor. A perfect match. She needs one now. Please do whatever you can to help her. You can look at it two ways. If she finds a donor soon...then maybe she'll be so happy we won't have to hear her sing anymore. Or...if she finds a donor soon...then maybe she'll be so happy that we'll be blessed to hear a whole lot more of her singing. Either way, let's try to help her find a match! We want to be able to see her live a long and charmed life, grow an afro, and save the world.

Upcoming Drives
Wednesday, April 2, 11:00 - 4:00
MEDFORD, MA
Fletcher School of Law & Diplomacy, Tufts Campus
160 Packard Avenue, Cabot Basement (Under the Hall of Flags)

Friday, April 4, 10:00 - 3:00
SAN FRANCISCO, CA
Hall of Justice, 850 Bryant St, Room 512 (adjacent to the Police Commission Hearing Room)




And while I'm at it. Here is a letter I received from my friend Kate...

Kate’s

Ride of Hope

You're doing what?!
Yes, it’s that time of year again when either cabin fever or a lack of lucidity takes over my very being and catapults me into a new adventure. Last year it took the form of sliding head first down mountain slopes, frolicking in the snow with an ice axe, and purely enjoying the amazing view from mountain tops. This year it so happens that I will be working toward the goal of doing on a bike what most rational people do in a car – travel from Seattle to Portland, covering just over 200 miles.

Why on earth would you want to do that to yourself?!
I suppose the mere thought of another spandex-clad cyclist pedaling through miles of soreness, hunger, and fatigue might not sound very enticing – it probably shouldn’t! However, my past experience with goal-reaching (those stunning mountain top views) is being taken to a new level this year. It has a little something to do with heart and a lot to do with hope…

Children Are a Treasure
A little more than a decade ago, an exuberant toddler named Katie filled my day care classroom with giggles and excitement. She was truly full of life, and she maintained that gift even through her treatments for AML a year after I left the day care. On a summer day in 1999, I attended Katie’s memorial service – it was a time to remember a young girl who brought joy to many lives.

Friends Are Friends Forever
When Karen and Joe began attending our church fellowship back in Pittsburgh shortly into the new millennium, I felt that I had found a kindred spirit in Karen and a gentle friend in Joe. They were filled with joy, love, and generosity. After I received news last fall that Joe was gone, I wept… for his ever-loving wife, Karen; for their families and our friends; and for the absence on this earth of a wonderful young man.

From Weeping to Hope
In loving remembrance of Katie and Joe, I will be riding with Team in Training with the goal of raising $2800, 75% going toward research, patient and community services, advocacy, and educational outreach about leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin lymphoma, and myeloma. Please
consider being a part of my support team in raising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society:

Ø You can donate securely through my website: www.active.com/donate/tntwaak/katerideofhope

Thank you so much!

Kate


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Joe's Testimony


Testimony of Joseph Lin
Pittsburgh Chinese Church
March 27, 2005

Even though I am terrified to be up here (I’m a radiologist, I hide in dark corners), I’m happy to be sharing my testimony with you.

I grew up in a very loving and supportive family but I didn’t grow up in the church. My first experience with church was when I was in junior high school and I played for the Pittsburgh Young People’s Orchestra. Our conductor was a nun named Sister Sarafina. One Christmas, the whole orchestra had to play in a Catholic Christmas mass service. I remember candles being lit and people singing the same song over and over again, so much so that it felt like chanting. The service lasted at least two hours. Needless to say, for a teenage kid who wasn’t used to going to church, that was not the most memorable or positive experience!

Then, we skip toward the end of college when I had my second experience with church. A good friend of mine started becoming very interested in Christianity, often hosting small fellowship groups in his dorm room and regularly attending church service on Sundays. Several other friends and I, all non-Christians, saw this as odd why he was suddenly so interested. We decided to see for ourselves what all the fuss was about. One Sunday, we attended service at his Chinese Christian church in San Francisco. It wasn’t all that bad but my lasting memories were of the worship time when many people could be seen swaying or rocking with hands in the air overcome with so much emotion that tears were streaming down their faces. This included teenagers, middle-aged men, and elderly ladies alike. I remember thinking “thanks, but no thanks!”.

Then life goes on… I didn’t give Christianity much serious thought, until I was faced with my third experience with church. This time it involved my extended family. By this time, I am partway through medical school. Playing matchmaker, my Uncle Christian and Aunt Sharon convinced me to go to church under the guise of introducing me to a good wholesome girl. They took me to a church in New Jersey when I remember attending service on Sunday and bible class afterwards. Most things sort of went in one ear and out the other… After all, I was there for cute girls. Curiously, no girls surfaced that day (this is the part where Karen breathes a sigh of relief), but I remember dinner that night with my family when my uncle, who had become a strong Christian, grilled me with some hardnosed questions like “have I ever thought about what would happen to me after I die?”, “have I ever given thought about Jesus Christ as my savior, or what Jesus has done on the Cross?”. The overall tone was very serious. There were some serious questions stirring in me, but again, I remember thinking “Thanks, but no thanks!”

So some of those brief discrete earlier experiences led me to ponder Christianity, but it was the process of my relationship with Karen, my fiancée, and her family that truly opened my heart to Christ. Then, I knew that events in my life were not being played out by happenstance but part of God’s greater plan.

This story also involves matchmatching. At this point, I am still in medical school. Karen’s family and my family were plotting something sinister. Karen and I both grew up near Pittsburgh and we sort of always knew of each other although we did not have much contact over the years. Little did we know that our two families had such a long history. In fact, all four of our parents worked in the same hospital in Taiwan before we were both born.

Anyways, sometime in 2000, I remember my mom asking, “What do you think of Karen Lan? She’s kind of a nice girl…” At the time, I thought Karen was still in junior high (any of you who knows Karen knows she looks young for her age, which I will not reveal here), her whole family is “religious” and she’s got this weirdo father. One, two, and three strikes. Thanks but no thanks. But somehow both Karen and I agreed to attend “the fateful dinner” in the spring 2000 where our families got together to have dinner, just to see what would happen. Well, without going into details, it was not love at first sight, but one thing that struck both of us, that we would later admit, was that our families meshed so easily like they were already part of one family. Since this is my testimony and not the dating story, I will make a long story short and tell you that it took several forced meetings before Karen and I starting e-mailing and talking on the phone (Fall 2000). At this point, I was still in Cleveland in my last year of medical school and Karen was in Philadelphia studying music therapy.

Karen is a strong Christian and every time I visited her in Philadelphia, she insisted on taking me to Friday night fellowship at Chinese Christian Church & Center in Philadelphia and then church service the following Sunday. I didn’t resist this time, I think initially because I had the ulterior motive of wanting to spend more time with this girl who I now found to be intriguing. Karen at this point wasn’t convinced I was exactly boyfriend material and kept taking me to church functions with somewhat of an ulterior motive that I would get freaked out by church and not pay her any more attention. I have to admit that my first few experiences with Friday night fellowship weren’t exactly positive. My idea of a good time on Fridays was going out to watch movies, playing games, or hanging out with friends. Who spends their entire Friday night studying the Bible?!

Oddly though, as I began going to more Friday night fellowships and attending more church services, I started getting to know more Christians and started to feel that I had more in common with these people than I thought. So many people at the church in Philadelphia had similar values as me. At this time in my life, I think it was also important that so many brothers and sisters at this church were similar in age to me and many people were also in the medical profession. I could really relate to these people.
I also remember times listening to my future father-in-law’s long circuitous stories, many of which had to do with his views of the Bible and Christianity. Things were starting to make more sense.

I began to ponder those questions my uncle posed to me. I started having more conversations especially with Karen about the meaning of the holy trinity, Christ being crucified on the cross, and what being a Christian is all about. Karen presented me with my own Bible on April 5, 2001. I began to learn how to pray. It felt funny at first, but as Karen always told me “it’s having a conversation with God.”

So from the fall of 2000 until the summer of 2002, my experience with church was still sporadic. I was still in Cleveland and Karen was still in Philadelphia. In Cleveland, I was still not a regular churchgoer. I would occasionally read my Bible and pray, and would go to church whenever I was in Philadelphia. But I was starting to develop my relationship with God.

Before I accepted Christ, I had been going through many difficult stresses in my life. Without going into detail, I felt that I was really being broken down and being faced with challenges that I viewed as impossible. I didn’t feel like I could do this alone. But at the same time, I had so much support around me in my family, Karen and her family, and my friends. I could see events in my life were falling into place. God was really making his presence felt, and that couldn’t be coincidence. In a tearful phone conversation with Karen, I accepted Christ as my savior on January 13, 2002 at 8:30 PM.

Since then, Karen and I have been fortunate to be able to spend an entire year in the same city as I did a year of fellowship in radiology in Philadelphia. I started regularly attending those Friday night fellowships and Sunday services at CCC&C. I continued to work on my relationship with Christ. I could see the power of praying for others and others praying for me. I was learning to lift up my burdens to the Lord and not leaning on my own understanding.

These things have continued now that Karen and I have found a home in PCC. God continues to surround me with His presence in this church with Pastor Jim, Gordon, and many of this congregation. I have brothers and sisters who hold me accountable in the Crossroads group and a new discipler in Ray Chin. So I still have a long ways to go, but with this baptism, I want everyone to know, “this is for real y’all!”

So the guy who kept saying “Thanks, but no thanks” just can’t stop saying “Thanks”. Thanks to God.
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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Hammer Holds

Name: The Hammer Holds
Artist: Bebo Norman
Album: Ten Thousand Days

A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for thee, the hammer holds

And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for thee, the hammer holds

The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for thee, the hammer holds

This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

My Easter


I decided that I needed some excitement in my life. So just for fun, I decided to run my car into a wall on Easter Sunday. I wouldn't recommend it. It's not very fun. And no, I didn't really do it on purpose. I had some unsolicited help.

The whole event left me feeling particularly miserable because I was already feeling quite emotional. The weekend was filled with all that comes with acknowledging my first Easter weekend without Joe, remembering his baptism, and anticipating what would be our upcoming third anniversary.

But I must say that by the end of the day, I felt quite blessed. I had a lovely view from where I ran into the wall. I was wearing lovely red shoes, which I got to show off to the hundreds of cars that drove past and stared. Oh yeah...physically, I'm perfectly fine and in one piece. And I received much love and support from friends and family. No matter what I'm going through or what I've done I keep getting reminders that just like Joe, I have a whole Verizon network behind me...even though I use Sprint.

Thank you mom and dad for your help. Thank you Rayray for chauffeuring me all over Pittsburgh. And thank you my dear CrossRoaders for the hugs and company. :)
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