Longwood Gardens/No more Hell

Today's photos are from a trip Joe and I took to Longwood Gardens. It felt like my first visit there, but apparently my family visited several times when I was a wee little girl.

I loved it when Joe winked at me. I just thought it was the cutest thing. And he never just winked. He would do it in slow motion which always made me smile. Joe had the best facial expressions. People would tell him he was like a cartoon. Funny, because people said that about me too. To think "Joe & Karen" could have been a cartoon on Nickelodeon!

So, a year ago today Joe was admitted to the hospital. He only had one week at home after that admission. On our 2007 calendar where Joe marked important dates and appointments, there is a long arrow that starts at May 21 and goes through all of June. In the middle of that arrow, he wrote, "HELL." That pretty much sums it up.

I'm glad that Joe isn't in hell anymore. I'm glad that he is free from bone marrow biopsies, oxygen tanks, and IVs. I'm glad that he isn't suffering. But oh, I still miss him.

I miss him every single day. When we were living in different cities, Joe sent me a card that said, "My hug has a hole in it." That's how I feel. When I'm happy and excited, I miss sharing that with him. When I'm sad and confused, I miss being able to cry on his shoulder. When I'm angry and frustrated, I miss being able to vent to him. I miss holding his hand. I miss waking up next to him. I miss making him laugh.

I could roll out of bed with matted hair, my glasses, wrinkled clothes, drool on my cheek and a new pimple - and Joe would tell me how adorable I was. And I would believe him...well, until I looked into the mirror. :)

Once, I did a poor job backing out of the garage and put a little dent in Joe's car. Joe LOVED his car. He named his car "Sexy Lexi." He would often pause, look at his car, and say, "Isn't she sexy?" Joe was finishing up being on call at the hospital when the incident happened. Needless to say, I was terrified to face him. I was shaking when I called to confess. Joe never really lost his temper with me...but then, I had never dented his car before. Amazingly enough, he wasn't mad at all. Joe said, "well, did you do it on purpose?" (Of course I hadn't.) "Then I'm not mad." That was that. That was love.

I'm actually doing quite well. A lot of exciting things are happening, which I'll share eventually. But with each exciting thing is that bittersweetness that comes with knowing that Joe isn't physically here to share it with me.