Happy Birthday, Joe!

Happy 35th Birthday, Joe! Thank you so much for being my own personal angel and watching over me. You'll always be in my heart...

VBS

Three years ago, I was accompanying a kid on a camp field trip. In my mind, I was thinking about the field trip. I was thinking about the goals and objectives I had for "my kid." I was thinking of what I would need to do when I got back home to prepare for Vacation Bible School that evening. It felt like a normal day.

Meanwhile, Joe was in the hospital casually going over the results of his blood test and doing a double take as he saw a series of numbers printed in red. When he learned that he would be getting bone marrow biopsy #1, he tried to contact me. It wasn't easy. He had to call a lot of people and even go against HIPPA to get a hold of me.

Bumping along in the school bus and going over some rules with my kid, I watched as one of the camp counselors made her way towards me and handed me a phone. I was told to call Joe as soon as possible. And with that, my life began to turn upside down.

***

In 2007, I wasn't able to participate in VBS because I was caring for Joe full-time.
In 2008, I was asked to help with one of the stations. I felt my body tense up when I was asked. But I smiled, and said that I would love to help. It was a different station than the one I had been volunteering for in the past, so I knew it would be a different experience. Besides, there was really no reason not to volunteer.

The thing is, just thinking about VBS made me emotional. It made me emotional because of this.

The other thing is, just looking at kids also made me emotional - although I'd like to think I was pretty good at hiding that fact. The truth is, for as long as I can remember, the one thing I absolutely knew that I wanted to do in life was to grow old and to have a family. When Joe died, it seemed my dreams of having a family died with him. For sure, he took our unborn children with him. We had named our kids, but vowed never to share those names until the day they were born. So while I smiled and agreed to help with VBS, I was secretly dreading it.

I eventually found a music therapy institute I really wanted to attend, and breathed a sigh of relief when I realized I wouldn't be able to help with VBS after all.

Well, that was then and this is now. Each year, I look back and marvel at how I've changed and grown as a person. I still have a lot of growing to do, but who doesn't?

Last week, my church had VBS 2009. For some reason, I got really excited about volunteering. It was so much fun. In fact, it was so much fun, it seems silly that I was secretly dreading it so much last year. But apparently I still had things that I needed to work through last year.

During each day of VBS, there is a Bible Point. When the kids hear the Bible Point, they respond with an action and a special phrase. This year, they had to punch their fist in the air and shout, "FEAR NOT!" The Bible Points this year were...
God is always with us... (FEAR NOT!)
God is powerful... (FEAR NOT!)
God does what He says He'll do... (FEAR NOT!)
God gives us life... (FEAR NOT!)
God cares for us... (FEAR NOT!)

It was the greatest thing in the world to see the faces of these kids as they shouted, "FEAR NOT!" It really is a great thing to remember...

***
One more VBS related story. When Joe was diagnosed, I immediately called our friend Vince. He graciously took over my station for the rest of the week. I had already learned all the skits for my station though. So I performed them all for Joe at home and in the hospital. I can still hear him laughing at me as I hammed it up for him. :)

Stanley Cup Champions!!!!

After yesterday's big win, I have to post something. We won both the Super Bowl and the Stanley Cup in one season. Pittsburgh is an incredible city. Joe loved Pittsburgh so much. I can just imagine how excited he would have been this year. He must be helping to pull strings up in heaven.

Kind of random - but this year, Albert turned 30. Joe would have turned 35 in a couple weeks. I will be turning 33 in a few months - the age that Joe was when he went up to heaven. It's a big year. So in some weird big stretch of a way, it seems that if something huge were to happen... this would be the year. YAY PITTSBURGH!!!!!

Now... if the Pirates can win more games than they lose, we can count that as a huge victory too. Let's go Bucs!!!!!!

This really touched my heart...

Happy Easter!!!

It's that time of year again. EASTER!!!!!
I actually don't have anything significant to report. So, I'm cheating and re-sharing past Easter posts. :)

Resurrection Cookies

Ev'ry morning is Easter morning from now on! Ev'ry day's resurrection day, the past is over and gone!

1.Good-bye guilt, good-bye fear, good riddance! Hello, Lord, Hello, sun! I am one of the Easter People! My new life has begun!

Ev'ry morning is Easter morning from now on! Ev'ry day's resurrection day, the past is over and gone!

2.Daily news is so bad it seems the Good News seldom gets heard. Get it straight from the Easter People! God's in charge spread the word!

Ev'ry morning is Easter morning from now on! Ev'ry day's resurrection day, the past is over and gone!

3.Yesterday I was bored and lonely; But today look and see! I belong to the Easter People! Life's exciting to me!

Ev'ry morning is Easter morning from now on! Ev'ry day's resurrection day, the past is over and gone! Ev'ry morning is Easter morning, Ev'ry morning is Easter morning, Ev'ry morning is Easter morning, From now on!

Words & Tune: Richard K. Avery and Donald S. Marsh, in the Avery and Marsh
Songbook, ©1967, Hope Publishing Co.

4 years

Wedding Dress Day 2008

Joe

Hawaii

Boston

Seattle

Pittsburgh

New York

Baptism Day

I have a housemate now. Before she moved here in January, I had a mini meltdown. Although I had moved a lot of things, given away a lot of things, and entertained guests on several weekends - there were still many areas of the house that were just as Joe had left them. Just thinking about clearing his closets and drawers made me cry. Yet deep down inside, I knew that having a housemate would probably be a lovely thing.

It has definitely been a lovely thing. She is young (younger than my brother!), sweet, and fun. She makes me feel young - until she mentions something only 20 year olds know about, and I give her a blank stare. She is also studying mortuary sciences and has been to too many funerals for too many loved ones. So the situation is really quite perfect. We're both crazy fun-loving people with an odd sense of humor. But when we have certain moments (okay, mostly when I have certain moments) we understand each other. I like to pretend that I'm helping her in her training. :)

Life has actually been quite wonderful for me. I've been excited about the future, excited about life, and feeling overwhelmingly blessed in so many ways. Life has been good. So good.

Yet for the second year in a row, I thought that Joe's baptism day and our wedding anniversary would just pass quietly. Last year, when it was harder than I had expected, it made sense to me. Everything was hard last year. This year has been different. Despite hearing from other widow(er)s that the second year is often even harder because people expect that you've moved on and they aren't as obviously supportive - my second year has been significantly better. I made it through every milestone grinning from ear to ear and knowing that I have my own personal angel watching over me. Then this week, the grief monster caught me by surprise and swallowed me whole. It is the most peculiar thing to be completely happy about everything in your life, yet still feel so sad about missing someone. It's emotionally draining. How is it possible to feel content and sadness at the same time? This year is still far better than last year. The ache is still very real, but I no longer feel as though there is a hole in my heart. Life is good. So good.


My new housemate and I try to have movie night every Thursday. We bond over cookies, milk, and a DVD. Last night we watched, "P.S. I Love You." I had never watched it before, although I knew what it was about - or maybe because I knew what it was about. But I knew that I wanted to watch it at some point. My roommate wasn't going to subject me to it last night because she knew I was emotional this week. I insisted that we watch it. I knew a good cry would be cathartic. The movie is about a young widow (Hilary Swank). Her husband dies from a brain tumor. In the course of the next year she is surprised with letters that her husband had written to her to guide her through her grief. It was a beautiful movie full of hope. The last letter is the real tear-jerker. When it was being read, I totally heard Joe's voice. Joe had shared very similar words with me before he died. I couldn't comprehend it at the time, but it became one of his greatest gifts to me.

If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you.

How blessed I was to have Joe in my life. The movie did indeed provide me with a good cry. Afterwards, I "forced" my housemate to watch some of my wedding clips. Interestingly enough, those made me laugh and smile. Joe was a gift. An angel sent to earth by God to arm me with some lessons for life. Life is good. So good.

#1 Steeler Fan

A dear and talented friend Eddie, did an "homage drawing to the #1 Steeler Fan." The detail, the thought, the signature smile... It really is an amazing tribute. Thank you, Eddie for being such a great friend to Joe (and me) and for using your talent so beautifully.

Team Up! to fight leukemia and lymphoma!

I have a really awesome family and really awesome relatives. Among this group of awesomeness is my Cousin Lilly. I have looked up to her my whole life. She is fun, talented, adventurous, and she treats me really well for no reason at all. (Whereas, I try to treat her well because she has a huge collection of embarrassing stories about me.) Today, I got this lovely letter from her. I totally didn't get her permission... but I'm sharing her letter because as usual, she is doing something wonderful. So many of you (including Cousin Lilly) have already gone far beyond what I could have imagined to show your support these past few years - through time, prayer, energy, donations, hugs, happy thoughts, sharing, food, encouragement, messages, etc. etc. etc. So this isn't so much a plea for donations as it is a huge shout-out to my wonderful Cousin Lilly, her super cool friend Lauren, and the rest of their team. Note that they are going UP 69 FLIGHTS of stairs... not 69 steps (although for some of us, that would still be a notable event!). I love you, Cousin Lilly!!!!

Hi friends and family,

Around this time of year, most of you are used to getting a letter like this from me asking for your help to fight HIV and AIDS. While I still am participating in the AIDS LifeCycle this year, I will not be riding, and instead will be serving as Medical Director again. (That means you won't get that letter!)

So, this year I finally get the chance to raise money for another cause near and dear to my heart--leukemia and lymphoma. 1 1/2 years ago, Joe Lin, a family friend of mine since childhood, and husband of my dear cousin Karen, lost his courageous battle against leukemia at the tender age of 33. When I served as a bridesmaid in Joe and Karen's wedding in April 2005, I had no idea that only 14 months later he would be diagnosed, and begin a grueling journey to include 11 bone marrow biospies, transfusions too numerous to count, chemotherapies, and a stem cell transplant. In the end, the leukemia proved to be too strong, and Joe passed away in September 2007, touching the lives of so many along the way.
joekaren.blogspot.com

Next Sunday March 22, I'll be doing the Big Climb, a climb up the Columbia Tower (the tallest building in Seattle), in memory of Joe, using his inspiration as motivation to climb those 69 flights of stairs. I'll be climbing with my friend Lauren (and hopefully some of you others!) as the team "Team Up!" I realize that we are all feeling the pressure of these tough economic times right now. The last thing I want to do is to make things more difficult for anyone--that is, I don't want anyone to donate money they don't have for this cause! However, if you are lucky enough to be in a position to help in this fight, I'd greatly appreciate ANY amount you feel comfortable donating, by Sunday March 22.

To donate to our team:
http://www.llswa.org/site/TR/Events/BigClimb?team_id=13040&pg=team&fr_id=1040

To donate to my personal page:
http://www.llswa.org/site/TR/Events/BigClimb/309549176?px=1133761&pg=personal&fr_id=1040

Also, if you'd like to join us, we'd love to have you on our team, "Team Up!" For more information about the event, go to www.bigclimb.org. And note, registration is almost full and expected to sell out, with the deadline of 3/16.

Thank you for reading, and as always, for your friendship and support!!

Lillian

Beautiful Beams

My friend Cathy shared this link with me. She actually walks by the bridge and site every day. The ritual and the photos were too beautiful not to share.

Naming the Beams for Dana Farber patients.

6 Time Super Bowl Champs!!!!!!!!!

The Steelers did it! They won their 6th Super Bowl. It was the most awesomely stressfully beautiful game ever. :) There was a huge bash at the church... and Joe was so there in spirit. :) I couldn't be happier. And I know that Pittsburgh's going to be on a high for months. It's wonderful to be in a city of happy people. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Groundhog's Day!

P.S. Not only are the Steelers totally awesome... but Jennifer Hudson is totally awesome too. God bless her.

Here we go Steelers... Here we go!!!! (clap, clap)

Tonight is the night. Super Bowl Sunday!!!!!!!

It is like Christmas in Pittsburgh, except everything is decked in black and gold. I received this joke in my inbox recently, and I have to share...

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven,God
was showing him around. T hey came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in
the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Peyton," said God.
"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.... On his way up the porch, He noticed another
house just around the corner. It was a 3 story mansion with a black & gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flag pole
with an enormous Steeler flag, and in every window a Terrible Towel.
Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro
quarterback, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So what's your point Peyton?"
"Well, why does Ben Roethlisberger get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said,
"Peyton, that's not Ben's house, it's mine."

I'm sure that a similar joke is floating around for ALL of the football teams. But, I'd still like to imagine that Joe is sitting next to Jesus, in the 3 story mansion up in heaven waving a Terrible Towel. :)

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

I wanted to wish everyone a peaceful, bright, and wonderful Chinese New Year. It's the year of the Ox! Happy celebrating.

Pittsburgh's going to the Superbowl!!!!!!!!!

I am so incredibly excited about the Steelers going to the Super Bowl. I can only imagine the crazy kind of partying that Joe is doing up in heaven right now. It was madness in our house when the Steelers were headed to the Super Bowl last time... our first football season as a married couple. Then we hosted the Superbowl party. Joe and I were so excited after the Steelers won that we flung open the front door and started screaming - much to the shock of our guests. But our faithful neighbors hollered right back. It was beautiful.

I watched tonight's game with my dad - he was my good luck charm (it's his birthday.) I told him that if the Steelers didn't win, I might not ever be able to visit him on his special day ever again. :) I was wearing my lucky lashes (long and gold-tipped). There was a lash malfunction in the last quarter when Troy Polamalu made the beautiful interception. But between Joe, Dad, and the lashes, there was enough magic to ensure our victory!!!!!!

The game was so exciting I received phone calls and texts from both coasts.
Oh, I'm so happy right now. A lot of things are making me happy these days. A lot of changes are happening. If you see me, you can ask and I'll share...

One more game. Being a Steelers fan is so much fun. :)

Merry Christmas

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirnius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register. So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them. "Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

~Luke 2:1-20

~~~

I wanted to wish everyone a wonderful and blessed Christmas. One year ago, I remember attending the Christmas eve service with my family. Everything felt so surreal. I could see the joy of the season, but I couldn't feel it. I knew in my heart that I was blessed, but I couldn't feel it. As we sang Christmas carols through the night, tears were streaming down my face. My smile was forced; my greetings were awkward.

This year, I could feel the joy of the season. This year, I could feel that I am blessed. My smile was real; my greetings were genuine. It has been an amazing year. To look back and see how far I have come emotionally and spiritually is really incredible. It feels as though Joe has been my own personal Guardian Angel guiding me towards peace and happiness.

I have been blessed with wonderful people in my life. Thank you for the prayers, the cards, the texts, the emails, the hugs, the smiles, the stories, the shoulders, the ears, the pep talks, the encouragement, the love, the food, the phone calls, the visits, the photos, the craziness, and goofiness, and silliness... what an amazing year it has been. Thank you.

Bye bye, sweet Erica...

"Last night, December 4th, 2008, at 11:35pm, Erica Jean Murray passed away. It was a calm and peaceful moment... she simply took a few deep breaths and fell asleep."

Please continue to pray for her family and friends.

Just pray...

That's all. Just pray...

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving week is here again. Here is my list of things that I am thankful for this year...

I am thankful for my parents for loving me through all of my mood swings.
I am thankful for my brothers for being so fun, and helpful, and understanding.
I am thankful for the coolest cousins ever.
I am thankful for friends who love me for me, even when I'm being less than lovable... or vain and superficial.
I am thankful for Joe, for teaching me the importance of loving more, caring more, and enjoying life more.
I am thankful for my fellow widdas & widders for making me feel sane in times of insanity.
I am thankful that I have the kind of Pastor who will drive to my place just to get rid of a dead bird, because I'm a wimp.
I am thankful that my Pastor is married to the kind of lady who will hunt me down when I run away so that I have a shoulder to cry on... and will celebrate with me when I have happy red shoe days.

Which brings me to the other things I'm thankful for...
... red shoes, of course. And striped socks.
.... my beloved Steelers (Stillers!) - even when they make game watching stressful.
.... this magical creation known as pizza.
.... my Tuesday evening phone calls.
.... couch conversations.
.... soul dancing in the kitchen, hula dancing in the family room, and silly dancing on the train.
.... sushi buffets.
.... stars.
... tea and cookies... or tea and cake... or tea and silliness... or just the friends that share all of that with me.
... being able to share secrets and stories.
... little kid smiles and hugs.
... the kind of snow that looks like glitter falling from the sky.
... coffee ice cream. Or any ice cream with peanut butter!
... Christmas lights.
... secret Chik-fil-A runs.
... the opportunity to sit and breathe after certain little brothers create situations in which you have to unexpectedly run so fast your legs feel like jelly.
... the super cool magnets on my fridge.
... my swings, in my park. :)
... jellybeans.
... blue nailpolish.
... hugs.

I am blessed.

I think a great part of being blessed and feeling blessed is an attitude. Some people seemingly have the world in the palm of their hands, and yet they are miserable. Others seem to have nothing and yet are filled with joy.

I always try to remind myself how blessed I am at the end of each day. This past year when I was experiencing the toughest months of my life I realized just how blessed I am. More times than I could count, people would say, "I envy you." or "You're so lucky." Every time I heard that, I'd be surprised. What made me enviable or lucky was different to each person. All I could think was, "what kind of emptiness do they feel in their life that they could be envious of me?"

But I am blessed. I know it. Sometimes, it feels unfair how blessed I am. I truly hope that anyone who still reads my ramblings feels truly blessed as well. Happy Thanksgiving.