I realized that it has been quite some time since my last post. I don't really have anything profound to share today. Or maybe, I'll surprise myself. In the back of my mind I've been working on a post entitled, "Dealing with Widows 101." It has become crystal clear that the general public has no idea how to deal with a young widow. As I've mentioned before, this is understandable as we don't even know how to deal with us. To be honest, I'm grateful that most people don't understand, because that means they haven't been in my shoes (which are often times cute, and fashionable and bought at a great price - but those aren't the shoes I'm talking about). It doesn't make going through all of this easier though.
In my mind, two main misconceptions exist. The first, is that because I'm grieving, I'm standing still. I just don't believe this to be true. Grieving has no timeline. There are no flags that appear announcing that you have passed level one. Yet, I know that I'm moving forward. I get out of bed each day. I venture out of my house. I spend time with friends and family. I self-reflect. I pay my bills. I eat food. I make plans for my future - something which is not easy, since what I once planned for my future turned out to be a mirage. Having a bad day, or having a good cry four months down the road does not mean that things have not changed, or that I'm moving backwards. It simply means that I'm still in the process.
The other misconception is that I'm dwelling on all the negatives. Miss Stubbornly-Optimistic-and-Extreme-Positivity may have sobered up a bit, but I'm incapable of dwelling on negatives. Instead, I'm making an effort to be real and describe the full picture to those who want a better understanding of what I'm going through. I realize that simply reading a blog further complicates matters because the inflections in my voice and my crazy facial expressions are eliminated. Then again, these days when trying to explain in person, I sound like my mouth is full of cotton. It's difficult to explain things others have not experienced. Imagine going on a fabulous vacation and seeing something amazing - like the Great Wall of China, the Grand Canyon, Easter Island, Scuba diving in New Zealand. Then imagine coming home and telling others about what you saw. They say, "Oh yes! I've seen pictures." Maybe they've even seen a wonderful documentary on television. But you know in your mind, that they won't ever fully grasp the wonder until they witness it in person. Now (do I sound like Joe, yet?) imagine the opposite. That's where I stand. Except, I don't want people to experience what I have experienced.
For some time, I thought that maybe I was going crazy. Maybe I was wrong and everybody else was right, and I simply wasn't grieving fast enough. Maybe all the ridiculous advice I was being bombarded with was correct. Then after a number of sessions spent venting to Victor (he really is a fabulous little brother), he said, "I read the last grief pamphlet that Pastor Jim sent and everything you've mentioned is in there." I've been receiving pamphlets from Pastor Jim, as well as my Indiana pastor and the funeral home. Admittedly, I'd been ignoring them. But after what Victor said, I started reading through all of them. Guess what everybody! I'm thrilled to announce that I am well within the realm of being normal. Yes, I realize this is a shock to those who know me best. :) I've also perused message boards for young widows. It has been a great comfort to know that all the things that I'm feeling and experiencing are not crazy. *whew*
I have plenty more to say. But I think this is enough for today. As always, thank you for reading, loving, praying, being.
11 comments:
The ONLY "Crazy" you are is crazy beautiful! Thinking of you so often and sending you much love from my heart to yours!
big hugs, sweetie, and a big amen to bethie. miss you lots. i still have a little pressie for you, if i ever get to see you :) lots of love, lisa.
It's good to hear from you...and you are not crazy! What can one even say after that...to think you are is just absurd....!
You are right about people not being sure how to deal with young widows. That is possibly a good thing in a way, in that there aren't many, but obviously it's not good for the young women (or young widowers) themselves. It must be a sort of adrift, sort of "too different" feeling and experience, because no one wants to hurt you, but nor do they want to leave you out.
It's wonderful to hear that the things your pastor sent are so helpful to you. :)
no, karen, you're definitely not crazy.
ok, maybe just a little...but in a good way of course ;)
*hugs*
let's hang out sometime ok? when i'm not sleeping or working that is ;)
(p.s. thank you for all your posts...they give us on the outside and idea of what is going on inside, even if it is just a picture.)
Still praying and praying. Thank you for updating the blog. I hope you continue to find support from those who are (unfortunately) in your situation, love and understanding from those who are not, and that you continue to find strength and comfort as you grieve.
E, T, and L
We're still praying for you. You aren't crazy. You are are one of the strongest women I've ever known. We're sending losts of hugs and love your way.
April, Paul, & Jamie.
I agree with everyone else, you are not crazy! Grief is unique to every person and every situation...
Always praying for you!
hey cutie! i so enjoy reading yoru blog, even when it leaves me in tears while sitting at my desk at work and i get paranoid that someone will walk in and think i've gone crazy! while it's not in the same realm as what you are going through, my best friend died a few years ago and people just do NOT know how to react to the death of a young person. at all. my friend, jamie, was 33. people don't know how to react to the death in general, but young people makes it even worse. i still talk about jamie all the time and what i've realized is that a lot of people think me talking about him means i'm bummed out, but that's usually not true. or they get uncomfortable talking about him because they think or experience it as depressing. but when i'm talking about him it's because i'm remembering him, and what a completely fantastic person he was, and it's fun, it's nice, it's a pleasant thing for me. it helps me to remember him. a mutual friend of ours (who was his best friend as well) have talked a lot about this.
it sounds like you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, and i know joe is with you every step of the way, and proud as hell of you.
lots of love,
anne
It is not every day to see (read) you write like that, dear. As always, I am amazed by your strength and grace. My college roommate uses to say: God put you in those shoes because He knew only you could handle it. I don't see any crazy person here. All I see is a stronger, more mature, and far more graceful Karen than I had ever known. Joe would be very proud.
Oh, Karen, you aren't crazy. I know I don't get what you're going through, but I am so happy to sit and listen or get together to laugh and cry or whatever. I think I shared with you... my best friend lost her husband when she was just 25. I've seen another go through being a young widow. I'm always here for you. Huge hugs!
(and yeah Victor! He is wise beyond his years...)
thank you for taking the time to express yourself and your life so eloquently. you can be as "crazy" as you like....though i defy anyone not having undergone the terror, dismay, hope, frustration, and ultimately, the loss of your last year to refute you. gigi
Post a Comment